dreams and reality

I actually wrote this last week. I never posted it, but it does sum up much of how I felt / feel.

For a minute, I imagined four. A chaotic house, a permanently disheveled me, a minivan, and four babies. Four!

I was so shocked that a single embryo during a FET could result in even a positive pregnancy test for me. So unlike the woman who needed 5 transfers, 11 transferred embryos to get one baby.

Nothing like a pregnancy that isn’t a pregnancy to bring reality crashing back down. Nothing that feeling pregnant but not being pregnant can’t negate.

I had sort of quietly resigned myself to only BabyHope. This not baby pregnancy re-opened wounds that I thought were healed. They aren’t gushing blood, but they’re oozing.

I feel startlingly alone in this sorrow. I feel like I shouldn’t feel quite so sorrowful, and I feel like in this house, I was alone in my hope for this pregnancy. And I’m alone in my grief for it’s non-ness.

I will be okay. But I want to scream how unfair this is. I want to scream about people who just take a pregnancy test and know it will be okay. I want to scream about the fact that we will not have a 2009 baby. I want to scream about the fact that I’ve never, probably will never, have some breath of fresh air pregnancy without a care in the world. I will be haunted no matter how hard I try by my history. I will kick myself for being scared.

If I ever get there. If, if, if. Again, back to if. Back to putting off long-term plans. Back to waiting. Waiting for my hCG to drop all the way, waiting for another cycle, waiting for all the schedules to align, waiting for more results and reports.

~ by Larisa on March 28, 2009.

No Responses Yet to “dreams and reality”

  1. Thinking of you.

  2. This is awful.
    I have that dream too, where I can just picture our house full, instead of empty.
    I’m so sorry.

  3. I’m so sorry.

  4. I am so sorry 😦
    I am amazed that I have two beautiful little babies, and still feel extremely bitter. I still feel like a “fake” mom, like this still cant possibly be my reality.
    I still cringe when I hear someone is pregnant, I still want to puke when they start planning the baby’s homecoming and they are 3 wks 6 days pregnant. Oh it makes me want to f’ing HURL!
    I hope you get your dream of having a brother or sister for BabyHope. No matter how many kids I end up with, the bitterness is never going to go away. It doesnt eat at me like it used to, but not a day goes by it doesn’t come to mind in some shape or form.

  5. I totally get the “pregnancy that isn’t a pregnancy” and am sorry you’re going through all of this.

  6. Please know that you are not alone at all in your grief and your hope for the present, and the future.

  7. I’m so sorry – this is incredibly unfair 😦 I hope the waiting ends soon.

  8. I’ve been there, so I get it. All I can say is, thinking of you and hoping for a quick ride to a new pregnancy. HUGS

  9. I’m so sorry March was so completely crummy for you. I wish you hadn’t have felt so alone in hope within your family. But the strength of hope you had, to imagine 4 despite it all, is testament to your own optimism you may not credit. And hope in the face of fear and frustration is the most virtuous kind.

    And you have it. Phenomenal.

  10. Unhealed wounds, that rings true.
    I’m sorry you feel alone with this.

  11. I’m so sorry you are dealing with all these feelings. I hope these dreams do become a reality for you someday soon and I am so sorry it will never be simple. That just plain sucks. Know that there are so many of us out here who want it for you too, but I know it is a hard place to be when your dh doesn’t have that same strong desire. Sometimes I think they do it to protect themselves, like my hubby says he’s fine with just Coop. I don’t know if he means it or he just would hate the disappointment. KWIM? Whatever the reason, it still stinks to feel alone. Hugs!

  12. I’m sorry. (( hugs ))

  13. I’ve been reading your blog for awhile but this is the first time I’ve commented. This post really sums up how I feel struggling with infertility and pregnancy loss combined. It’s so hard to articulate this to the “oh you’ll get pregnant again” crowd. It’s such a double whammy. I want God to make a new rule – if you struggle with infertility, once you’re pregnant you get to have a perfect pregnancy. Seems fair to me.

  14. Thinking of you. Hoping for you. Praying for you.

  15. Hello – I’ve never commented before on your blog, though I’ve been reading for awhile. Please dont ever feel alone, we are all there for you, struggling the same way, wanting to scream at the same times… Please keep up the fight, you are an inspiration to me and I’m sure many others. Some day, some how, we we have our dreams fulfilled.

  16. I feel your pain with you. I dream of a houseful too. I would take one or 7. I’m sorry.

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