There is a sunny side to this. I got pregnant. That’s the part that should, and does, stun me. I spent cycle after cycle just trying to get pregnant, so to get pregnant with a single embryo is amazing.

We have two more. We’ll probably transfer both. It makes me nervous about multiples, but I seem to be the only one that thinks multiples are more than a remote possibility. My doctor is fine with it, my husband really wants to transfer both (he wants desperately to be done with this), and most people I talk to seem to think that two is a perfectly reasonable number.

I feel more normal each day – no more nausea (except that caused by the two weeks of doxycycline), my breasts don’t ache, and I’m not crying quite as often (which I hope means my hormone levels are going back to normal).

I got pregnant. Now I just have to do it again with (please) with a chromosomally normal embryo. Please let (at least) one of our last be a good one. Our last. Whenever this happens, I’m 90% sure, and Mr. Hope is 100% sure, that it will be our 7th and final transfer.

There’s a part of me that thinks it simply has to work. That I’m due this, owed this by some fertility karma or god. I have fought, I have cried, I have perservered, and I even won a battle.

Then there’s the truth. The truth that I’m not owed anything. That my trying again may well be in vain.

We do it anyway. One step at a time, one blood draw at a time, one big, giant hope.

~ by Larisa on April 2, 2009.

No Responses Yet to “again”

  1. I think you’ve paid enough with your tears and heartache and I think it’s only fair that this works – I think you ARE owed that.

  2. I hope so too…

  3. I hope so too…and if it’s twins, then you’ll be all the luckier.

  4. Good luck Mrs. Hope, lots and lots of it šŸ™‚


  5. If only it worked out with who had worked hard enough to be a Mom got to…what a world we’d live in!
    Wishing you the best.

  6. I so so so so hope it works, there aren’t enough so’s in the world. I think that you deserve it and your right you did get pregnant, which means you can. I think that transferring both is a totally reasonable thing to do. And if you do get pg with 2 healthy viable babies, you can do it. look at all you have done and gone trough with the infertility hell. You will be able to survive what ever is handed to you, and once it happens, you forget life could be any different. I remember people (outsiders) questioning us for having children young, and I remember thinking (and wanting to scream at them) if you only knew what we went through, parenting will be the easy part! Hope this cycle is perfect and ends perfect!

  7. Fertility karma, if only.

  8. I really like this post. It resonates well and made me smile at the strength of your hope. Thanks for the sunny side.

  9. I’m so sorry that your pregnancy didn’t progress this time. I will be praying and praying that your next one will and that you’ll have a little baby in your family again.

    I enjoy reading your blog because of your honest sincerity and hope only good things for you and your family.

  10. Two is a beautiful number. I am holding so much hope for you….

  11. I’m hoping that the pendulum of infertility stays on that upswing and remains there completely through this next cycle. Major high hopes for you…

  12. I have been reading your blog for awhile, but this is the first time I have commented. My son was born 1 week before your daughter and my 2nd FET was 1 week before yours. I recently had a 9 week ultrasound and found that the baby’s heart had stopped around 8 weeks. I am in the process of trying to decide about having a D and C. I am sorry that you have had to go through this recently and I just wanted you to know that I wish you the very best and you are not alone.

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