Honestly, this last bump in the road has me struggling. I have tried so, so hard to be calm and rational. I appreciate each of BabyHope’s new tricks, smiles, and even sometimes the temper tantrums.

But I’m really angry and frustrated right now. Turns out my doctor isn’t even in the office today, so he won’t see my films for several more days. And the nurse and surgery scheduler keep saying that sometimes he disagrees with the reports. But I saw it. I saw the chunk. I saw the absence where we should have seen a tube. If he comes back saying it’s all fine, we’ll be having some kind of serious words.

I was prepared for negatives. I’d even prepared myself for chemical pregnancies. I let myself hope for something better.

I wasn’t prepared for 3 ultrasounds, crazy hCG numbers, an eventual D&C, and apparently my 3rd surgery of 2009. I wasn’t and I’m not.

Yeah, we are so excruciatingly lucky to have BabyHope. But I’m feeling pretty fucking unlucky in this moment.

I’m angry that this is what I have to do to my body for something that should be so simple. I’m angry that I have to leave BabyHope not just during the surgery, but I can’t be with her 100% right after the surgery. I’m angry that I didn’t see this coming somehow. Give me a small chance of something shitty reproductively happening, and I’ll do it every time.

I somehow hit my 500th post, and my 4 year bloggiversary is around the corner. And here I am again. Different, but the same.

~ by Larisa on April 24, 2009.

No Responses Yet to “mad”

  1. Just thinking about you and that totally freaking sucks. Boo.

  2. You have every well-deserved right to be mad. I’m so sorry that curve balls keep getting thrown in your direction. Karma has a big ‘ol IOU made out to you, and it is fully time she decide to cash in and pay up.

    Maybe next time you get a bill from the doc you should be out of town for several days and not be available. Really – can they just be in communication EVER???!??

    Thinking about you and hoping this dark cloud of unluckiness gets the hell out of town.

  3. You are totally allowed to be mad and frustrated. Having a hard-won baby doesn’t make the battle to get pregnant again any easier. The stakes are lower, yes, because you are now a parent, no matter what. But infertility is a never-ending struggle, and it ain’t fair. I’m trying for #2 myself, and it sucks almost as much as it did the first time.

  4. sorry to hear about all these hurdles you have to go through once again. I am keeping you in my thoughts that there is some goods news at end of this road for you.

  5. I am so sorry and I am really mad for you. There just has to be something lighter around the corner, there has to.

  6. This is a crappy curveball, and I don’t think anyone would blame you one bit for being REALLY mad, whether it be baby 1, 2 or 5! I’m sorry to hear you have even more to deal with :o(

  7. Someone at work the other day complained that her body is broken. She was kidding when she said it, complaining about some benign issue — but hearing it made my stomach clench because it’s how I feel about my body.

    Of course you’re mad. And of course you’re grateful. BabyHope’s tricks, smiles, and sometimes even the tantrums are the reason why you want another child. We get it…

    I hope you get answers SOON.

    I know you’re feeling crappy, but for whatever it’s worth — I’m in awe of your strength.

  8. Who wouldn’t be mad? I hope your luck turns soon.

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