ugh

I don’t feel strong. I don’t feel at peace.

I’d like to lie on the floor next to BabyHope and kick and scream. Because sometimes life doesn’t feel fair, even when you have what you wanted the most.

The trial this time was supposed to be, “Could I get pregnant with embryos already made?”

It was supposed to be over by now. We were supposed to know by now. And moving on if they didn’t work was going to be hard, but doable.

It wasn’t supposed to be, “If your uterus is ever ready…” or “If you end up with a cornual ectopic…” or “After the next surgery…” or “After your 3rd HSG of the year…” It wasn’t supposed to be about what strange or rare thing my body could do this time around. I had done so much already. There wasn’t supposed to be anything left.

But that’s what infertility is. Unfair. Usually unexpected. Time consuming. Painful.

I’m tired of getting my hopes up about getting to another transfer. I feel like crap. My belly is swollen and bruised. My heart is heavy.

All I can do is wait. I am not in control and I don’t know what to expect.

Unfair. Unexpected. Ugh.

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~ by Larisa on May 4, 2009.

No Responses Yet to “ugh”

  1. Im so sorry for your worry and disappointment. Reading your posts sound like a repeat of my infertility experience. Over 3 years trying for #1 ( and 4 ivfs and then donor eggs) and then another 3 years trying for #2 along with 2 miscarriages and every wierd scenerio that my body could provide ( monoamniotic twins, possible ectopic that turned out not to be…etc.) It breaks my heart that you have to go through this and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

  2. I’m so sorry, Mrs. Hope. You said it. infertility is unfair. It just sucks. Over and over. One blow after another.

    I’m sorry that it’s sucking for you right now.

    Hang in there, and try to focus on healing, for now.

  3. I wish I could offer some kind of comfort. I’m thinking about you.

  4. Just. Thinking. of. You.
    Hoping and wishing it will get easier.

  5. It is totally unfair and I hope that someday soon that “ugh” turns into an “ahhh” or a “yeah!” something infinitely better than ugh. Take care.

  6. I’m so sorry.

    Is that bar calling again? You know where to find me.

  7. I am so sorry, yes infertility is so freaking unfair and you would think it may be a little easier this time but alas it’s like the cycle begins all over again. I’m her if you want to shoot me an email, for now i’m sending you ((hugs))

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