maybe?

You think I’d be over it by now.

That little gnaw. That green with envy feeling.

I’m no longer jealous of women pregnant with their first (though I reserve the right to eye roll a bit in certain situations).

I’m jealous of those pregnant again. And it gnaws a little. Due dates close to the one I would have had.

They’re figuring out how to balance two under two. I’m trying to be at peace with maybe.

I suck at maybe.

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~ by Larisa on May 7, 2009.

14 Responses to “maybe?”

  1. I keep getting really pissed at my friends who call up SO GLAD they got AF and they are not pregnant AGAIN!!!!

  2. I get jealous, too.

  3. It’s hard to run our own race isn’t it?
    Sigh.
    The many side effects of the IF life.

  4. I so get it. I have maybe a slight bit of jealousy, but for me, right now, I get angry at “the question”. “So, are y’all going to have more kids” *insert cuss word* I don’t know, and my baby is only 18mo, is it necessary to ask that! I have such a hard time responding. Ok, I’ll stop here, because I was planning on blogging about this tonight. Sorry things suck! Hoping it is your turn again soon!

  5. Well put. Though I’m still jealous of all PG women.

  6. well put…..

  7. It seems as if the envy will always be there. Even after our family-building days are long over, it will remain. The battle then becomes more of a tolerance. How much gnawing can we withstand before we are eaten up completely?

    I wish I had the answer. If I knew, I would fully share it and apply it to my own life.

  8. That’s because “maybe” sucks. It’s “it”; not you.

  9. You aren’t really at a place where being at peace with maybe is easy. You are going for more, not maybe more or you wouldn’t be trying. I can imagine the gnaw would be back. Your intuition seems to tug you in the direction that there is more to be had, and I really hope it is right.

  10. I get jealous also. I try not to, but I do.

    Sorry it’s been so hard for you.

  11. Mrs. Hope, please don’t my comments the wrong way. You don’t have any reason to be jealous of anyone pregnant with either their first or second or even third. You are blessed with a precious little girl. I think you are taking this whole infertility thing a little overboard. One should know when to put an end to it and enjoy what you have. You have a lot and quantity of kids is not going to make your life any more happier than it is. Please don’t think I don’t understand because I have been through a lot, may be more than you can even imagine. I am blessed with beautiful children after my long and hard struggle with infertility. We don’t want to end up like Nadya Suleman (not that I am even closely comparing you to her). Happy Mother’s Day!

  12. Oh, I’m almost always jealous. I’ve learned how to let my eyes slide past the strollers in the store, especially the double ones. I’m good at scrolling down on Facebook, past the latest baby photos.

    We’re allowed. We’ve earned the right to be green-eyed from time to time.

  13. You have every right to be jealous. Why not? It’s not that you wish them or their babies not to exist, it’s more of the “No fair!”

    Can I tell you a secret? Those of us who are super-fertile feel that way about those who aren’t, too. I am currently pregnant with our sixth child. My best friend has he one and only miracle baby. When she tells me of weekends away with her husband or wild nights she spends curled around him, I get that green-eyed monster. There is no such spontaneity for us. We don’t get the romance of a wild night without the nagging thought of “am I going to get pregnant again?” always present in the back of our minds.

    We adore all of our brood, but there are times when I envy the simpler life of someone with one. I fantasize about how much easier my life would be without the church bus van and the grimy fingerprints everywhere.

    It’s not that we don’t know a bit of the pain of infertility. Two years of trying and numerous painful procedures just to clear my blocked tubes and have our second. After that they just came in quick succession. We tried all kinds of contraceptives only to have them not work for us. We finally gave in and said that we were just going to have our big family and threw caution to the wind. But we still hear that tiny voice of exhaustion every time my beloved touches me.

    Just thought you should know. Those of us with the big families and the big bellies live with the green-eyed monster too.

  14. Forgot to add. My best friend says that there are too types of fertility problems: Those who never get pregnant and those who always get pregnant.

    Interested in writing a co-post about the “grass being greener”? my email is shovedtothem.blogspot.com It could be really interesting.

    BTW, love your blog.

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