I shouldn't scratch this itch

But it’s my blog, so I will. If you are going to comment and say something like, “may be more than you can even imagine”, you should probably include a name or link or something. Not to be presumptive here, but I’m guessing I can imagine. I have my story, and countless other bloggers and “IRL” women’s stories, too.

I am happy. I am lucky. Mr. Hope and BabyHope are my sun and my moon.

However, that doesn’t mean I can’t want a sibling for BabyHope. I had siblings growing up, and those are memories I will cherish always. That doesn’t mean that using embryos that already exist makes me anything like that woman in California. That doesn’t mean I can’t grieve the miscarriage I just had. It was still a loss. I had a due date that will never be realized.

I’m also allowed to mourn the fact that my body may or may not be “well”. My uterus may be creating more scar tissue as I type. Or maybe it’s perfect and healthy and we’ll get to our transfer of those two remaining embryos soon.

I’m allowed to be unhappy at moments about the surgeries I’ve been through just since January. I’m allowed to think it’s unfair. I’m allowed to put it out there that this is not what I planned.

And I’m allowed to admit that this state of not knowing, this state of limbo, and this state of “maybe” are all still hard for me. I want to know if my uterus is okay, I want to know if those embryos are viable, and I want to know if I should be making plans for a bigger family or for BabyHope alone.

I don’t think I’ve “taken this whole infertility thing a little overboard”. Maybe I haven’t taken it far enough.

So, anonymous commenter, will you show yourself? Probably not. I’m not mad at you. Just curious why you’re so scared of me?

~ by Larisa on May 10, 2009.

No Responses Yet to “I shouldn't scratch this itch”

  1. Oh gawd. I went and read that comment (naturally I had to see what prompted the scratch). My oh my, what people will say from the safety of being anonymous. I don’t get it. You’re better than me, because I would have been mad.
    This is YOUR race, YOUR life, YOUR uterus, YOUR family, and no one, no matter what they may or may not have been through, can pass judgment. Taking it a little too far? And even bringing up octomom? OK, I’m going to stop now because my blood will just start boiling.


    Oh yeah, Happy Mother’s Day. I hope BabyHope treated you extra special today! 🙂

  2. Well said.

    I had to read that completely judgemental, compassionless comment, and I’m sorry that you have to defend your motives and feelings of all this IF sludge on your own blog.

    Happy Mother’s Day to a wonderful mom.

  3. Uh, that comment above was me. Sorry for accidentally posting anonymous. I’m having blogger issues.


  4. Amen!

  5. Wow, yeah…I had to read thay anon comment too. Here are my comments: How dare that person say that on yor blog! Evidently they DO NOT know what Infertility is like, whether its the first or second time. It absolutely SUCKS big time and you hurt every minute of every day. Dont worry, there are enough of us out there who really know what you feel like. Your words feel like you’ve been reading my mind sometimes.
    Thanks again for your wonderful blog.

  6. Ok, so I had to read this then come back to comment. I was fuming the first time. That comment was ridiculous! I read it to dh and he had a choice word or two. Pain is pain, plain and simple. That doesn’t mean for a second that you don’t appreciate it. And I don’t see how she could have truly suffered w/ IF, and have the nerve to say you were taking it too far! My battle was small compared to many, and it still hurt me deeply, so I really don’t get that at all. And these feelings are yours to feel, just like Davs said. BS! Also, even if you did do another fresh cycle, it wouldn’t make you Nadia Suleman. Was she trying to be funny. IF hurts, no matter when and how you are effected. This is your blog, so say whatever you want, and if she has a problem with how you feel, she doesn’t have to read it! Ok, stepping off my soapbox now.

    Happy Mother’s Day! Hope is was great for you.

  7. Wow, I like all the other bloggers had to go back and read the comment. It is amazing how quickly it got MY blood boiling!!! I find it a little crazy that “anonymous” poster comments about not being concerned with the “quantity of kids” but then goes on to refer to her CHILDREN. Why did she have more?? Why wasn’t one enough?? Why aren’t you entitled to the same damn thing???
    Taking IF too far?? You suffered a loss. The loss of your child. Something NO ONE should ever have to endure!!!
    I have been reading your blog for over two years now (first anonymous b/c I didn’t blog, now as kcmom or looking4#3). It come across quite clear to me how BabyHope is your world and you are thankful EVERYDAY for the blessing of her!!!
    One bad apple—-huh!!!!???

  8. Sorry you are having to deal with this crap. There is no value or worth anyone else can put on your own experience (with IF or anything else for that matter).

    You hold your family close to your heart, and you have every right to be to be mad at someone for suggesting otherwise.

  9. Another anonymous person…mainly b/c I don’t have a blog or anything.

    I don’t agree that you have taken infertility “too far” or that you should stop trying for more.

    But…I find it very hard to read your blog sometimes. You are soooo lucky to have BabyHope. Yes, miscarriages and failures and surgeries etc etc still suck. But you have a baby! I have been trying almost 5 years and I am almost 41 and I have had several IVFs, 2 missed miscarriages, and just last year alone 5 surgeries. And my arms are empty. I will have to stop reading your blog soon. I often stop reading once former IF women get pregnant, but yours was the very first IF blog I came upon (I didn’t know any existed) when I was preparing for my first IVF in 2006. Then, even though you got pregnant I kept reading since you had gone a long road to get there (I typically can’t stomach the 20-somethings’ blogs where they carry on about how awful the shots are and how they’ve been trying a whole year (gasp!) and then they get pregnant on their 1st or 2nd IVF).

    I just wanted to point out that while you don’t have everything you want you at least have one child with a pretty darn good chance (based on your age, etc.) at getting more, while a LOT of us have run out of money/time/etc. and have nothing.

    And yes, I know I am not being forced to read your blog. But you might remember how it is when you are still trying…sometimes reading blogs is what helps keep you sane. Alas, I need to find new IF blogs to read. And watch them pass me by again.

  10. Mrs. Hope…

    I think it’s important to remember that one’s blog should be a place where one can feel free to share the emotions (good, bad, and ugly) that go along with whatever journey they’re on….

    That was the Ms. Manner’s response.
    And just from me:

    Feel how you feel. And say it. Because there are a lot of us out there feeling the same way.

    I’m sorry, anon, that you haven’t found success yet, but that doesn’t make Mrs. Hope’s wants and wishes for a second child any less valid. Sometimes in this community we can be our own worst enemies. This is not the pain Olympics; Mrs. Hope can long for a sibling for BabyHope AND others can hope to become mothers for the first time. I think we’re all big enough to respect BOTH these viewpoints.

  11. Wow! I had to go back and read the anon comment too. I was where you are now, Mrs. Hope, a year ago–the desiring of the sibling for your baby. It is so hard and some people will just never understand.
    Hoping and praying for you and supporting you (in whatever you’re feeling)!!!!
    P.S. I also liked what Dramalish wrote at the end of her comment…well stated! 🙂

  12. To the anonymous commenter on this post-

    My heart genuinely aches for you. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through and whatever lies ahead. I do remember. And I write about being grateful often. I will never forget what it took to get here, and an infertility story will always tug at my heart.

    But I am who I am. I understand why you would stop reading. I can’t and won’t stop wanting those embryos to be babies. Which means that’s what I’m going to write about. And I’ll write about BabyHope.

    If I could give you or any other person success, I would. I can’t. And me wanting more or not won’t make it different.

    I’m not trying to compete. I’m trying to build my family – the family of my dreams – which has always included more than one baby.

    I love this community, I hate this disease. I wish it were different for so many women.

  13. This is your space, and you SHOULD feel free to write about your hopes, dreams, fears, and desires.


  14. I think you have handled these comments very intelligently. I honestly have felt like screaming at the person who left the comment that promted this post and then the comment in this post.

    I hope you don’t mind me commenting on your posts. I think 99% of the people who read your blog completely understand. You know that your situation is obviously different then someone who will never have there own biological child BUT that doesn’t mean that you can’t want and fight for those embryos with all your heart. Screw the people who think you shouldn’t feel what you feel , especially after what you just had to go through. You are entitled to want a sibling for BabyHope!

    Also, I think that generally people see Nadya Soloman as a mentally unstable woman who teamed up with an unethical doctor. Any comparisions between her and those dealing with infertility is just ignorant.


  15. Sorry for posting again but I am bored at work and I checked out the blog of the person who wrote that comment to you and was floored when I read that not only does she have a child but is 18 weeks pregnant again.

    Maybe the next time I see a blind person I should tell them they don’t have it so bad when after all I need to wear contacts and we are all in the same boat.

    Sorry. Still angry for you.


  16. You should thank me for making your blog more active at least. Jokes aside, there are a lot of people that agree with you and that is great. I am unfortunately not one of those and that should not make me the evil one. I think you did great and achieved success. Ladies here are too quick to come up with conclusions. My twin boys were not an accident and I don’t wish to get anyone’s sympathy here. In fact this is my last post (which should make you happy)because you don’t take criticism well. You just want to hear what pleases you.

    Now you don’t owe responsibility to yourself only but to your daughter as well unlike previously. The torture you are making yourself go through may have a negative impact on your daughter. I would not take that chance. I know it is your choice and you can do anything you wish to do with you body. I was not comparing you to Oct Mom which I stated clearly in my last comment. Among other issues (which are not relevant for my argument) she like a few others did not know when to stop.

    Are your online friends going to come to your rescue when you God Forbid get into depression after repeated failures? I don’t think so.

    Lastly, I don’t even know you so why should I be scared of you? I am scared for you though. I do wish you success and hope more happiness follows you.

  17. For crying out loud! I will not be depressed if the embryos don’t work out. I will grieve them and move on. I will not let this impact my daughter negatively. I don’t mind criticism.

    I mind people anonymously posting that stuff. You’re entitled to your opinion. But either post it here with a name so I can respond or email it to me. The link to my email has been active for the 4 years I’ve been here.

    You’re scared to stand up for your opinions – that’s the problem. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t hide.

  18. My online friends certainly rescued me when I fell into a depression after years of failed IF treatment. What would I have resorted to if I hadn’t had this support?

    And in the end that’s what this forum is about, isn’t it? Support?

  19. I feel compelled to post after reading your blog for a long time now. Sorry it is anonymous this is the first time I have ever posted to a blog. What that person wrote was crazy and you should not let it get to you. I went through hell for years to have my first child and went through it all over again to have my twins. It is such a personal choice and I would not change a thing. Going through that struggle made me a better person, made my spouse and I have a stronger relationship and gave me 3 children to love and to share my love with. Some people thought we were crazy to try for more kids – but only you can say what is right for your family. I think I would be a lot more depressed today always wondering why I gave up on having more kids then the few years of sadness/struggle between my first son and my twins. Good luck and I am cheering for you. BTW – my twins were frozen blasts!

  20. Um I agree–YOUR body, YOUR decisions. Im just thankful you share our journey with us! Please continue to do so! Happy belated Mothers Day–I hope it was a very special day for you!

  21. So you made me post yet one more time. If someone agrees with you then being anonymous is not a problem. If not then you label the person to be a coward. I also don’t like the idea of being anonymous but I am honoring my Dh’s request about not sharing our most personal information with strangers. I opt to remain anonymous rather than coming up with a fake name or ID which to me is more deceptive. If one of these days I can convince Dh then I don’t have a problem about revealing my identity. To me that should not be an issue because you would still not know me.

    For me the existence of online friends has been a source of great support. The kind of support you need when you fall into a major depression cannot be attained by online friends.

    As far as topic of depression was discussed, it was not meant to be used literally. Among other possible potential issues, we still don’t know long-term impact of all the drugs and repeated surgeries. To me we should do IF treatment only when it is VERY NEEDED. VERY NEEDED can mean different for different people.

    To me infertility was not to become purpose of my life. I did not want to be IF spokesperson or create a fan-base. IF was supposed to be a major milestone and when I succeeded I planned to move-on. To some that may seem a little selfish because I did not vow to help the future IF women and share my problems. I praise those who are doing that though.

  22. Huh?! Of course you’re allowed to feel those feelings. IF isn’t gone because you’ve gotten really, really lucky once. I don’t consider myself cured.

    And continuing ART is bad for the child you already have? Always?

    But there are so many kinds of misfortune that can fall upon a family! These also cause stress! All bad for the kids, so … it would be better not to have any in the first place?

    I am very grateful for my great fortune in having a daughter. I am sad that giving her a sibling is a difficult process. Mixed emotions are part of life.

  23. WOW! What an interesting conversation to be following. And just for the record, Mrs. Hope, you KNOW your online friends are always here for you….all these years later, we still care. I appreciate your constant honesty in telling it like it is. It’s sad to see so many people answer “Fine” when asked “How are you?”. So I applaud you for being honest, in the good AND bad times. After all, we ALL have bad times.
    And for posters who only want to bring people down, go on, go somewhere else! We’ll be fine. seriously, people……

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: