in closing…

This will be my last post on this subject. I’ve been pondering saying nothing or saying something, so I’m just going to say what I’m thinking. It’s my blog; I get the last word. You have a choice to read or not, and you have the choice to comment or not. I’m not making anyone do anything.

My issue with anonymity is about the negativity. It’s one thing to anonymously say, “go you”, and it’s a different thing to indicate that I’m putting myself or my daughter in some kind of danger, or that I have gone too far, etc. without me being able to defend myself adequately. I put it all out there: good, bad, and ugly. I am more vulnerable than you if you choose to be anonymous while criticizing. I stand by that statement, and I’m guessing most bloggers feel similarly.

99.999% of people are supportive in this community, and it’s taken me 4 years to apparently offend and draw criticism at the same time.

I will say that I think the anonymous commenter maybe thought she was being flippant or funny, but again, because she is anonymous and there’s no relationship there, it’s impossible for me to know where she was coming from.

My post was about a weakness inherent in me. I’d extend that to include all human beings, but I might offend again. I posted about feeling jealous of pregnant women. It was not about another blogger. The post was mostly about a specific incident in my “real life” about a woman who announced her pregnancy and due date that happen to fall exactly one month after my miscarriage due date.

And I felt jealous in that moment. She has something I want. I didn’t simultaneously hate her, and I was quick with my genuine congratulations. Some people are jealous of cars or jobs or lifestyles; my jealousy is of pregnancy and having more babies. And a little about being able to get pregnant with those babies effortlessly.

I am human. I have contradicting emotions. I can be happy for you and sad for myself all in one breath. And if that hurts you, that’s really your problem, not mine.

I am infertile. Despite all the anecdotal stories, it seems even after having BabyHope, it’s not in the cards for this to be easy for me.

Just because I have BabyHope doesn’t mean my initial family dream of more than one child goes away. It doesn’t. I didn’t picture an only child, I didn’t picture a single chance at pregnancy, I didn’t picture a daughter without siblings.

I am not depriving BabyHope or putting her in danger in any way by desiring or pursuing further children. No one questions a fertile person for adding to their family, so why is it different for me?

There is no definitive link between fertility drugs and cancer. The surgeries I’ve had this year would have been necessary anyway. I had scar tissue from BabyHope – that really shouldn’t stay in there. I had a D&C for a pregnancy that wasn’t ending well. And I had to have more surgery because I got really, really unlucky and it turns out that pregnancy was cornual and left more scar tissue behind – scar tissue that really isn’t supposed to be there any way.

We have two remaining frozen embryos. It is important to both Mr. Hope and me that we give those embryos a chance at life. I am pro-choice, but I do perceive those embryos as our potential children. They are the result of really hard work. They are our maybe babies, and I see them as our last chance. I don’t think we’ll be pursuing further treatment beyond the FETs, but even if we do, I’m not in the wrong for doing so.

I am not going to apologize for how I feel or felt. It is what it is. And I won’t apologize or feel guilty about achieving success with BabyHope. It took a lot of work and a lot of luck. And I won’t apologize about wanting more children or pursuing that goal. That doesn’t mean that I don’t still ache for those that haven’t achieved success.

I am grateful for BabyHope every single day. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about the fact that she could so easily not have existed.

It’s my blog. I’m not going anywhere. And I’m not going to stop posting what I think or feel. You can disagree and you can post about it. I would ask that before you do so, or before you post about me somewhere else, that you read what you write before you post it, and that you do so without anonymity.

‘Nuff said.

~ by Larisa on May 13, 2009.

No Responses Yet to “in closing…”

  1. This was really well written.

    The 99.999% of your supporters didn’t need you to have to explain all this. Sadly there will still be those freaks out there who will still find fault with what you are doing. Screw them.


  2. Amen sister. Very very well written.
    Write on. Most of us understand how you feel. Those who don’t, well, you said it best.

  3. Ha ha! I love the two comments above! I agree wholeheartedly!

  4. ’nuff said…and well said!

  5. Beautiful post. You are a great mom to BabyHope and an encourager to so many of us. Thank you for being honest and helping me know it’s ok to put it all out there, and feel what I feel. Keep up the good work!

  6. I really appreciate your honesty about wanting a sibling for BabyHope. I find it rather odd that people sometimes treat fertility like a competition where one person’s success may indicate failure for another. I have always dreamed of a large family and we got incredibly lucky on a wild cycle once and while I feel bad writing about wanting to try again too much in this community, it is really nice to read such a clear, straight forward defense of your actions (which need no defense at all, obviously).

  7. Why don’t people get secondary infertility, I will never understand that. Maybe its jealousy too, I don’t know.

    You sound like me three years ago, the pain stays with you always 😦

    Just ignore “her”, she must have her own issues, I just want everyone to try and be understanding to one another but you know that by now. She doesn’t know you IRL and so can’t possibly judge you as a mother, so as you say, “nuff said” 😉

    Keep strong my bloggy friend!


  8. Well said.

    And Timea’s right. 99.999% of us didn’t need for you to have to explain. I’m sorry you had to.


  9. Very well said 🙂

  10. Well said.

    BabyHope and her future waiting siblings are very lucky to have such an insightful, well spoken, determined, straight forward and classy Mom!!!

  11. Well said, indeed.

  12. I planned to comment “well said,” and I see about 10 people beat me to it. 🙂 But, anyway, well said. 🙂

  13. AMEN!!!!!

  14. Damn, sorry you are dealing with an annoying troll. I mean, if you don’t agree with someone, quit reading their blog!!!

    Hope BabyHope gets that sibling you desire. You are ALLOWED to want to grow your family, for goodness sakes!

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