My hotmail account.  My calendar on this computer.  My contacts database.  My cell phone.

They all contain something I can’t delete: my brother’s contact information.  And they like to post reminders of his upcoming birthday.  It’s weird.  I remember; I don’t need the reminders.  He would be turning 30 in a couple of weeks.  But I can’t delete the records.  I remember a few weeks after he died, I actually called his phone number a couple of times before everything got disconnected just to hear his voice.

So I still have his last phone number.  His last address.  And they’ve survived computer changes and cell phone changes.

His girlfriend / fiance at the time just friended me on Facebook.  She’s married.  We kept in touch for a year or two after he died.
It’s not like I didn’t expect that.  But it’s weird to see it.  I still have her labeled in my head as his girlfriend.

He won’t be at my sister’s wedding in August.  His absence is notable at all family events, but I think that one will be more palpable than most.

There’s not really a point here.  I remember him, though not as well as I wish I could.  I hold on to things like his contact information, his t-shirts, and some old toys because they’re tangible.  BabyHope knows his name.

~ by Larisa on July 3, 2009.

10 Responses to “reminders”

  1. I am so sorry. This must be so hard, I really can’t imagine. I had a very close friend die of cancer in high school; I often think, what would she be doing, what would she look like, ect. It always hits hard when I hear her name or the anniversary of her death and birthday rolls around. I remember when I got a new phone, with a different company, her number wasn’t in it anymore. I know how that felt, so can’t imagine how hard it must be when it is a sibling. At the same time, I am glad you have your little reminders of him. So sorry he’s not with you anymore!

  2. thinking of you…

  3. thinking of you as you remember your brother, and also as you go through this cycle. hang in there.

  4. I wish, sometimes, that there were a valid way we could communicate with the people we love who have passed. So many questions… I wish I really knew that they are better and I wish I could tell them how missed they are and KNOW that they heard the message.

    You’re on my mind.

  5. Thinking of you…and your brother. Sometimes I am reminded of him when they show the shirtless fans at a football game on tv. Random, especially since I never knew him as that person, but it is strange what triggers memories. I don’t think I could delete the reminders. They are another thread to remind you of him- to keep the connection more tangible than just something you feel or think about.

  6. This post made me sad for you today (Mrs. Hope). Losing someone we love is so hard in so many ways. I’m hoping and praying that the memories you all shared will be fresh in your heart and mind so that you can appreciate the time you had with him on this earth as his birthday celebration date draws near. ((HUGS))

  7. With going through the M/C, I was convinced my sister just needed her little niece or nephew up there with her!!! Such a bittersweet thing to think.
    She will be gone 15 years this year. It feels like 100 years since I heard her voice, and yet sometimes the wound is still so deep and raw it feels like she was killed yesterday!!!
    I know where you are and it sucks. Thinking of you.
    Your brother will always live on….

  8. Here from the Stirrup Queen’s Friday roundup. I’m sorry. This was a beautiful post. It’s hard to let go of the tangible reminders of our loved ones’ existence.

    I had a cousin die suddenly at age 40 a few years ago. He was driving from Alabama to Iowa to attend his grandmother’s funeral & developed a blood clot that ultimately killed him. They buried them a week apart, just before Christmas. I had a Christmas card addressed to him, ready to go. I still have the business card he gave me & still have his e-mail in my contacts list.

  9. 6 years on, my brother is still in my AIM account. I think it’s totally fine and normal to do these things, and to hold on to what we can. Much love going out to you in these difficult weeks.

  10. Found you from Mel’s roundup. I can’t imagine deleting my brother’s contact info either. He was 25 when he died almost 4 months ago. We recorded his voice mail greeting before the cell phone got canceled.

    I’m so sorry you have to feel this.

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