my heart swells

When BabyHope was born, I loved her.  But I didn’t have one of those “my heart is full” moments the instant she was born.  It was a surreal moment – I think I could hardly believe it was happening to me.  Some of it is probably related to infertility trauma, and some of it is probably typical of such a life-changing moment.  Some of it might be due to the fact that I really couldn’t feel the lower half of my body at all.  I’m fine with that, but I’m guessing it can add to the surreal feeling of it all.

I don’t know when it became real that BabyHope was ours.  I don’t know if was in the middle of the night one night or the first time she smiled.  Or maybe it was all of it.

What I know now is that my heart swells and expands each day.  Just when I think I can’t love her more, my heart skips a beat, my eyes well up, and my love for her expands.

Today it was a silly moment in a music class.  BabyHope desperately wants to learn to jump, and she so wants to be just like this a little 3 year old girl in our class.  And she followed her around, attempting to jump, skip, and copy any movement the other little girl made.

It was just one of those moments.  One of those moments that I couldn’t have even imagined two years ago.

And my heart aches with fullness in those moments.  In a way I couldn’t imagine, even as she was being born.  She grows, my love grows, and I hope I can remember things like today forever.

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~ by Larisa on August 20, 2009.

7 Responses to “my heart swells”

  1. it didn’t happen instantly for me either. i don’t know when it happened, but it’s amazing. the growth is unbelieveable too.

  2. You have just nailed down the greatest thing about parenting. My son is four, and I still have those moments almost every day. His imagination is really taking off, and it is so delightful to experience. The wonder never ends. What a gift!

  3. This is beautiful and is exactly how I have been feeling lately! I always tell Cooper, “you’ll never know how much I love you.” And other things like that. I think there age right now is so amazing too. They are becoming little people with these little personalities. He is talking up a storm and everyday he says something new and I fall more in love. He melts me daily. I am so glad you are experiencing all that. He pictures a beautiful and it is no surprise you love her so!

  4. Great post. It just keeps on swelling and swelling, doesn’t it? I keep thinking this is as good as it gets and then she does something adorable that makes me love her more.

  5. Your post highlights one of the reasons why infertility is so hard by pointing out all the things I will never experience should we be unable to have a child of our own.

    • I hope I didn’t offend. My intent was to do what you are talking about – write about the reasons infertility is so hard from a perspective that I couldn’t have even fathomed after all our failures. Infertility stings, burns, and downright injures the soul. And you know it at the time, and you sometimes know it even more if you get through it. I routinely remind myself of what almost was – and somehow that I’m living this near-dream.

  6. Trying to jump, and almost succeeding, I so recognize that. 🙂 And I recognize the sentiment.

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