more than enough

So I hoped, perhaps naively, that during our trip or after, I’d feel better about no more babies.  But I don’t.  I’m calmer.  I can, at times, logically reason why one is enough.  I can visualize how things would be easier financially without more or how we would be done with diapers forever whenever BabyHope potty trains.

The rub?  One isn’t just right.  It’s nearly there, it’s enough in the “there was a time when I thought we’d never have any” realm.  She is enough. But I want more than enough.

I still wake up each day wishing I was pregnant.

I don’t know what it is I’m supposed to do.  Keep trudging along and making up superficial reasons that I should be happy to move forward?  Throw myself head-long into some project or new job meant to keep my mind off of what I really want?  Or another cycle that has as good a chance at failing (or maybe better) than it does at working?

Even when BabyHope is lying on the floor screaming because no, she can’t play with the pot of boiling water, or I’m changing a diaper, or I know there’s a chance with another I might have to go back to work, I want more.

I still feel selfish writing this stuff.  But it’s what is real.  It’s what I don’t say aloud because I might cry.  It’s what my heart wants despite my mind trying to convince it otherwise.

I want more.  I want another.  I want more than enough.

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~ by Larisa on October 29, 2009.

12 Responses to “more than enough”

  1. Aw hon. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. I wish I could do something more than just offer you a virtual hug.

    Much love and thoughts… and PEACE to you.

    xxx

  2. That is exactly how I feel.

    Selfish? Perhaps that depends on the eye of the beholder. Pining for a second ART baby might rub the wrong way with women still struggling for a first child. And I understand that, but it doesn’t take away how I feel.
    My friends who have 2 or even 3 children naturally wouldn’t think my or your wish is selfish. They’d think it’s natural.

    I wish there was an easy trick to make it end.

  3. I’ve been to this place too before, under slightly different circumstances, but still through the pain. It’s not easy. You’re in my thoughts and prayers…

  4. i want more than enough too.
    i don’t think it’s selfish because it also means you want to give more of yourself. xo

  5. No words. Just nods of agreement, as if I actually know how you feel. And a few tears.

  6. Not selfish at all. You deserve to have enough, and then so much more. Sending a hug your way…

  7. You can’t wish yourself into being okay with enough any more than you can wish yourself pregnant. Be patient, be gentle with yourself, when the thoughts come explore them, but also enjoy the life you have now. Especially with the holidays coming up, BabyHope will be so amazing to watch as she starts to really understand all of it. What I wish for you is that an answer comes that leaves you with clarity and peace, whether it be to go another round or that your family is complete now. It is what I wish for myself too.

  8. Your words don’t SOUND selfish to me…

  9. You’re not selfish to think this way, I agree that it’s because you want to give more of yourself. I’m sending you virtual hugs and you are in my thoughts and prayers.

  10. I do not want to do the work for more than my one. When she was conceived and then born I knew she was going to be my only child. When I donated my frozen embryos to research it was with a clear conscious. Even so, OFTEN I find myself melancholic that we have only one. It’s only in moments, but the longing is there and I have known through the whole miracle of the one that she would be an only. If that sadness exists in a person who is just fine with just one then, of course, the sadness is going to exponential in a person who was striving for more.

    You are not selfish. You are loving. You have so much love to give it is not just that you want more, but you need more. It is going to be a long, hard row to hoe to come to peace. Please don’t try to convince your heart of anything. The heart wants what it wants and it will simply take time to heal.

    XO

  11. You can’t wish away your feelings. You have every right to feel the way that you do. I hope you can find a way to get your more than enough.

  12. I get you, I only hope you get as lucky as me one day my love, really hoping for you.

    xxx

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