dread and delight

So as I plunged that first FSH injection into my (flabbier than it used to be) belly, I simultaneously felt excited and scared to death.  Excitement because of what all of this can mean.  And fear because of what all this can mean.  It always feels, though it’s not entirely true, like the moment you can’t turn back.  Maybe it’s because I can figure the cost of that single injection.

I’m good at this part of the cycle.  Measuring, timing, injecting – these are easy.  Everything is a familiar ritual – in a sad way – a comforting ritual.  Anything is possible in this moment – my lining could be thick and plush in a week with a perfect cohort of 18 follicles.

Then sneaks in the dread.  The knowledge that something always goes wrong.  It could be something I know about, like my lining not cooperating.  Or it could be something that hasn’t happened before, like  I don’t stimulate well or I take too long or we don’t get any embryos.  Or, more than likely, it’s something that I haven’t even thought of.

So there it is.  All out in front of me.  Good or bad, now I’ve begun.

~ by Larisa on January 14, 2010.

7 Responses to “dread and delight”

  1. GOOD LUCK!!

  2. Easier said than done..BUT THINK POSITIVE!

  3. I recognize this, very much so.
    Fingers crossed all will go well.

  4. It never really feels like an IVF cycle until you jab a needle into your flesh, does it? I hear ya on dreading the inevitable “what’s going to go wrong this time?” question. I’m wondering about that for my own cycle. I hope everything falls in line this time for you.

  5. I know it’s hard not to worry about all the possible pitfalls and landmines because that seems to be what defines IVF. But also what defines IVF for many many people is a real live little BabyHope at the end, and I so hope that you are working on BabyHope the II right now!!
    Also–when I came to your blog in my browser’s history, I did NOT have to re-type the password, it just automatically opened up. I don’t know what that means but I just wanted you to know…

  6. Thinking good thoughts for you!

  7. good luck!!!!!

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