trying to tell the tale

Well, I’m lying in a hospital bed getting my second unit of blood.  That should just about sum up how I’m feeling.  In all seriousness, I’m doing much better physically than yesterday.  Yesterday was scary.

I took a nap.  I woke up.  Somewhere between 3:30 and 4:00 PM I started bleeding again, with large clots.  I tried to tell myself that it was the same as before.  Mr. Hope took BabyHope out to play.  It wasn’t the same.  The blood was coming so, so fast, with enormous clots.  I couldn’t walk from the bathroom to the couch without soaking a pad.  I called my OB friend.  She met me at her office at 5PM to do a sono.

The baby was dead.  And I was bleeding, bleeding, bleeding.  I passed the sac on the sono table.  My friend indicated that I was probably going to need an D&C, IV pitocin, and other measures to get the bleeding under control.  She wheeled me across the street to the hospital.

The ER got scary fast.  My blood pressure sank, my heart raced, and I started heaving.  They quickly got two IVs started.  They wheeled me into the OR at 6:45 PM.  I was done around 7:15 PM.  Whatever blood level dropped in 2 hours from 9.9 to 7.5.  They gave me one unit of blood last night – after the measurement was 7.4.  I’ve still been tachycardic, despite tons of fluids, and my pulse “failed” the standing test, so we went with another unit of blood.

I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck.  And that’s just the physical part.

~ by Larisa on March 1, 2010.

36 Responses to “trying to tell the tale”

  1. Oh my. Thank God you went to your OB friend. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. I hope you heal physically quickly. I know mentally isn’t even a thought yet. Hugs

  2. Oh my God. I am so sorry. Please please let me know if there is anything I can do for you – even if it to run errands or take E on a playdate with my E or anything. If you need company at the hospital let me know – I used to work there so I know it fairly well. Take care of your soul.

  3. My thoughts and prayers remain with you. I am glad you are okay (physically). Sending healing thoughts your way. I wish I knew what to say.

  4. Damn. I am so glad you listened to yourself and called your OB friend, you were getting into a very dangerous place.

    I am so sorry. Please tell me something to do to help, even though I know there is nothing that means anything really. But anything practical I can do–cook a meal, babysit, bring you a magazine or something good to eat, PLEASE let me know.

  5. For the love of Pete! What a nightmare. Thank goodness you have a friend who’s an OB and you listened to your instincts. I’m so very sorry about the baby and am worried sick about you. Please take good care of yourself, rest, and know that I’m here for WHATEVER you need. DO NOT hesitate to ask.

  6. Wow, reading your post–alternating between angry, and so worried for you, and so sad for you, just overwhelmed by it all. I don’t know how you can process it right now; I think you’re absolutely right to be concentrating on pulling through the physical aspect of it all before tackling the emotional/mental/practical aspects. As if it was easy to compartmentalize everything, which I’m sure is the opposite of simple. I hope you have a good support system down there.

  7. It takes a lot to make me actually cry. I’ve felt incredibly bad for people that have had bad things happen to them but your story makes me sit at the computer and cry. I’m angry for you that this is how it ended, that it couldn’t have just been a negative pregnancy test a couple weeks ago. I’m angry that you saw a heartbeat a few days ago and then everything was just taken from you in a way that left you broken physically and what I’m guessing emotionally as well. I’m so so so sorry that this is the way things ended.

  8. Thank goodness you went with your instinct and called your friend. I can’t bear to think what might have been otherwise.
    I’m pushing from my mind the implications of this episode for you, for your family, for your hopes of trying again. Right now, I’m just glad you’re still here.

    I hope you recover physically very soon. Emotionally, well, I hope you recover in time. Thinking of you.

  9. I’m so sorry. Things like this make me doubt the existence of my Catholic God. Why? It’s not fair.
    If there were something I could do, I would.

  10. I’m so deeply sorry for your loss my friend! I don’t know what else to say! It’s not fair and you of all people have had more than your fair share of suffering! I left you a message today but I understand you might not want to talk right now! Please know that I am here whenever you need somebody to talk/vent/cry to! Hang in there, get yourself healthy and know that we are praying for you!

  11. What complete and utter hell. I am so, so sorry you had to experience that. I’m glad you’re ok. I just wish so much that this wasn’t happening to you.

  12. Oh no! Words can’t express how sorry I am.

  13. Again, that makes my heart stop. In that situation, you just can’t move fast enough. THANK GOODNESS for your OB friend. It’s devastating as it is to see a previously beating heart not beating on the US. Then the frenzy of what happened next- it is very overwhelming and I can’t imagine the physical exhaustion. I hope everyone is being especially nice and caring and that you are home with your family soon. So, so terribly sorry for all of it.

  14. I’m so sorry. I’m glad your OB friend was able to help you out. I wish that there was something that someone could do to make things all better!

  15. Praying for you and your family at this time.

  16. I am so sorry to hear what you have been through. Words can’t express what I want to say, so just know that I’m thinking of you.

  17. Oh my gosh! I cannot believe all you have been through. So unfair and so much hurt for one person to go through. Praying for you!

  18. Oh sweetie, I am so so so sorry. My heart is with you.

  19. My heart sunk as I read your update. As if a miscarriage after infertility & IVF isn’t hard enough, then an ending like this. I am deeply sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and praying for you at this time. I know there are no words to take away the deep raw pain of a miscarriage. Be gentle with yourself, and rest as much as you can.

  20. Fuck L. This is so fucking unfair. I’m praying for you and Mr. Hope.

    I wish I lived closer so I could come help you.

    I am so, so sorry.

  21. I am glad that you are going to be okay. What a scary and awful way for this to end. *hugs* Thinking of you and hoping that you are doing okay.

  22. Oh my, how scary. I am so thrilled that you HAVE an OB friend who could take care of you when you needed it. And I am so, so sorry about what’s happened. All of it.

    Love and healing and hugs to you.


  23. I am so very, very sorry!! Like everyone here, I wish I had better words. Something that would really, truly comfort you. I’m sorry I don’t. I’m glad you sought medical advice and that hopefully, physically, you are on the mend. I will continue to hold you close to my heart and hope that the emotional healing will come too. Take care!!

  24. Thank God you listened to your instincts. You saved your own life.

    I’m so sorry for your loss.

  25. oh no. how scary!
    thank goodness you have an OB friend who was there for you.
    what a nightmare. i’m so, so sorry.

  26. I”m so, so sorry for your loss.

  27. I am glad you are okay. You must’ve been terrified. I am so, so sorry for your loss 😦

  28. I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my little, little boy the week before Christmas. Take care of yourself. ❤

  29. I’m sorry for your loss. Will keep you and yours in my thoughts and prayers.


  30. I am so sorry. Prayers for your family.

  31. Oh no, I’m so, so sorry. Sending you all of my love and light.

  32. I’m so sorry – I’m keeping you and your family in my prayers. I know that doesn’t seem like much…but I’m so sorry.

  33. I’m so sorry for your loss, keeping you & your family in my thoughts & prayers during this painful time.


  34. I am so sorry. Sending you positive thoughts.

  35. From LFCA… Sending prayers and hugs…

  36. I come via SQ and wanted to say how very very sorry I am to read of your loss. So very sad for you and your family. You will be in my thoughts, even though we don’t know each other…I feel for you and what you are going through.

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