and the band played on

I remember feeling this way after a different and probably worse crisis: that the world should just stop for a minute, a day, a week, so I could catch up.  I don’t want BabyHope to get a day older or the sun to come up until I can catch my breath, find my rhythm, and figure it out.

But it won’t.  And I don’t know when I’ll catch up.  I don’t know when it will feel like everything is okay.  Don’t get me wrong, I know the day will come.  But I don’t know when, I don’t know what will make it okay, and I resent the work that lies ahead.

I want someone to be able to give me answers – real answers about safety and recurrence and whether or not those frozen embryos are viable.  But no one can.  No one will.  I can get lots of maybes and possibilities.  I called the office of an MFM today, and it just feels too hard to even get an appointment.  They want records before they’ll even schedule a pre-pregnancy visit.  My records are so long, so thick, I don’t even know what would be relevant to send.  And could I send them in two days?  Ha!   A pre-pregnancy visit.  It’s really a pre-should we even try with our maybe viable embryos but it still might not work visit.

How is it the world keeps spinning when you feel like you’ve stopped?  Just give me some time.  Just pause for a second.  Let me breathe.  Let the images in my head fade.  Let the nightmares stop.  Let Mr. Hope process.  I can’t keep up.  Wait for me.

But the sun will come up tomorrow.  Tomorrow will happen on time, despite my wishes.  And no one will wait.

~ by Larisa on March 8, 2010.

10 Responses to “and the band played on”

  1. Let me know of I can do something to help out. ThinkIng of you.

  2. Just letting you know we’re along for the ride, however long and wherever it takes you. I wish I had answers. I wish I had magic words I could say the poof! would make it better, make it clear, make it understand, make it ok. I don’t. Thinking of you.

  3. I’m just so sorry you’re where you are….and I, too, wish we could just suspend everything so you all could heal together as a family before trying to figure out what lies ahead.
    And while I’ve certainly never been in your shoes in this exact way, know that I know the feeling you are describing..and I know the devastation of thinking that your life is not turning out in any way the way you planned and yet it’s all wildly out of your control. I know that pain, and because I know that pain, I’m just even more sorry you’re going through it.

  4. Just keep breathing and hanging on!! You will get your groove back, but it will take some time. In the meantime, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Easier said than done, I know.

    My thoughts would be to get the records for the MFM doc. So what if it takes some time to pull them all together. A little time may give you a chance to process a bit more, breath a bit deeper. And getting all the information you can from your OB, RE, MFM doc, etc will make you more confident about whatever decision you make. With any medical records, make sure you pick up the records rather than having them sent directly to the doc. That way you don’t have to keep paying for them if you want a third, fourth, etc opinion.

    I believe I shared with you a little about the placental issues that lead to my hysterectomy. If I can help you at all, please don’t hesitate to contact me. I loved my docs- if you need another opinion.

    Thinking of you and still hoping for the best for you!! Take care!

  5. Best you can do is breathe in and out. And take things one step, one moment at a time.

    I have been thinking of you nonstop, Mrs. H – sending you peace and love and healing vibes as often as I can.

    Wish I could do more.

    Thinking of you.


  6. Bah. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. Just bah on it all. I want to picture you and Mr. H. on a beach, laughing at nothing or maybe at Baby H playing in the sand. Or maybe you going out with girlfriends and singing karaoke and being silly. None of this is really what you’re up for as you recover, but I want that to be on the next page of your “story”, instead of the mother of all decision lists and who knows where it goes. I wish I could help you, or someone could be your administrative assistant, making your phone calls and copying all the paperwork needed.

    Just thinking of you, and rambling again to show I care even if the words aren’t going to make anything clearer. I read your blog thinking, “Wow, I have no idea.” Hoping things get clearer somehow.

  7. Wouldn’t you like to just hide for a while?
    Sigh, I’m afraid you’re right about the long road ahead. And nothing I can say will make it go away.

    You will get through this.

  8. Oh man, I so remember that feeling when we had the ectopic and all that went with it. It is crazy how the world moves on without you. I’m so sorry you have to go through all of this again, and the lack of answers to go with you.
    My thoughts are with you.

  9. The lack of answers really is one of the most maddening parts to infertility. It’s like if you could just know why then you might be able to attempt to fix it.

    I’m sorry there are no answers to be had. I hope the world slows down just a bit so you can catch up.

  10. Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you. xo

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