days like yesterday…

…are why I blog.  Blogged?

So many things are swirling in my head, leaving me exhausted yet unable to sleep.  We used an embryo.  It didn’t work.  What’s the definition of insanity?

BabyHope had an ER trip yesterday evening.  She’d had a cold.  I wasn’t really worried.  Until she was short of breath.  Panting, her tiny collarbones rising and falling rapidly and with effort, her breaths audible.  Of course, this is 3:45PM on a Friday before a major holiday weekend.  I called the triage line, they said to page the doctor on call if it continued that evening.  I waited for Mr. Hope to come home, and then I paged at 6.  The doctor didn’t hesitate once I said her breaths were at 60 per minute – take her to the emergency room.  They got us in right away, she flipped out in the triage area, but was such an amazing trooper with the breathing treatment and chest x-ray.  She’s better today – we went to the walk-in hours at our pedi’s office to make sure they were okay with the ER meds and doses (they weren’t).  She’s still not well, but she can breathe.  Mr. Hope has asthma, and I hope for her this is a one time thing, not a permanent chronic condition.

Two embryos remain.  The absolute last embryos we will ever have.  I think I know what we are going to do.  It’s a huge step.  I loved being pregnant, I want to be pregnant again.  The only thing I want more is another baby.  We have a compassionate offer from a friend that knows what this means, knows the risks, and yet she is still willing.

This sword is double-edged and so, so sharp. 

I will never be pregnant again if this is what we do. That stings, burns, aches, and makes me wish I could feel BabyHope move in my belly one more time.

I will never hemorrhage from a pregnancy if this is what we do. My life, my health, my presence are more powerful (most of the time) than that ache for another being growing in my belly.

“They” say you’ll know when you are done.  I know I am done with fresh cycles – I never thought I’d hit that wall, but I did.  There is relief in that, despite the grief that will come if BabyHope is our only child, our only miracle, our only hard-fought win.

I think I know. I haven’t even consulted with my doctor, but I think I know.

I’ve never wanted a “fertile’s” uterus to be as pretty as I want my friend’s to be.  I want her to pass with flying colors.  I want a legitimate chance for those embryos to land in a soft spot with a decent lining.  It feels like the right decision. A decision that opens the door to hope.

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~ by Larisa on May 29, 2010.

13 Responses to “days like yesterday…”

  1. Hoping with you. I feel so incredibly emotional for you..I can’t imagine what you’re feeling if I’m feeling what I’m feeling just reading your words. ((HUGS))

  2. I’m so sorry about the ER trip. I hope BabyHope is feeling better today.

    I hope your GS decision turns out to be an option. It always feels good to have figured out the next step. I’m going to hope right along with you.

    And you’re right about knowing when you’re done. Not to say it doesn’t majorly suck, but I finally know the door is closed for good.

    I hope that things work out for you. I really do.

  3. I know exactly what you mean when you say that you know what the right thing to do is, even though at the end you may still be left with some grief.

    If this is what you ultimately decide to do, I hope your friend passes with more than flying colors.

  4. Poor baby girl! I hope she gets better quickly.
    What an amazing friend you have. I hope it all works out for you.

  5. Glad BabyHope is doing better. ((BH))

    Praying for you and your friends offer.

  6. First of all, the decision to try a FET must have been a deep plunge for you. I’m sorry it didn’t work out.

    The offer from your friend is amazing. Truly amazing. And yet, the idea of missing out on the pregnancy itself would make me sad too. A real loss, no matter how much it is worth it in the end.

    I hope it works out, I really, really do.

    Babyhope’s cold sounds horrid (and rather terrifying for you), I hope she gets better soon.

  7. I’m sorry about the BFN and the ER trip. I totally know what you mean about the knowing when to stop thing, that is how I felt when we made the move to DE. I think its awesome that you have a friend that would do this for you, you are really lucky.

  8. Whoa, I’m glad BabyHope is OK. I’m really sorry you guys went through that–ugh.
    And of course I’m gutted for you that the FET didn’t work. I’m so so sick of all of this–it’s just so crappy. I’m glad you have an offer and I know this decision is not reached lightly–hoping beyond hope it all works out.

  9. Sorry to hear about Baby Hope! I hope she feels better soon….very scary!
    I’m glad that you feel comfortable with the next step! I know it has been an extremely difficult and emotional decision to make! Sorry to hear that the frozen cycle didn’t work! And I understand the need to make the best decision for the remaining frozen embryos! Hope we can catch up sometime this week! Hang in there! I’m praying for you!

  10. Reading about the rationale behind your decisions, the word “Yes” in big letters just popped in my head. It sounds right; painful in some ways, but the way you describe how it’s been thought out, it just seems like you’ve found a path. You’ve given so many babies a chance at life as you’ve made your way through the past years. You’ve given, period. And now, two more chances for those beautiful babies of yours. I want it to be “meant to be”.

  11. Oh, I was thinking of you this morning – am so happy to see this post.

    Hoping that BabyHope feels better soon.

    And hugs, love, and good thoughts to you, hon. I am hoping HARD that this works out in the very best way for you.

    xoxo

  12. Happy to read an update from you… and so sorry to hear about the scare with BabyHope.

    I think that what your friend is offering is amazing and a great chance to hope once again. I will be hoping along with you.

  13. Using a GS is a hard decision to make. Even if she gets pregnant, which I hope she does!, it will be hard to see her tummy swell, feel the kicks from the outside instead of in, and you’ll miss being with your baby(ies) 24 hours a day while she is pregnant- so many stolen moments. Having said that, having a baby(ies) would be worth all of it! Having them be yours forever! And sharing that experience with a friend is special. I am sure that she is worried about it too. I was when I made the offer to a friend- the risks weren’t as scary as how do you give the mom the closest experience to pregnancy? If there could only be uterus transplants, right? Hoping it all works out in the best possible way for all of you. Also hoping babyHope is much, much better.

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