plan z

One of the ways I cope with what can’t be planned is to plan as much as I can.  Planning what happens in the face of seemingly inevitable failure (8/9 times) makes me feel calmer.  There’s nothing I hate more than a negative test and having no idea what comes next.

We’re at the end of the alphabet.  Z is a letter I never thought I’d see.  I have been doggedly determined that if I just kept trying, just kept planning, just kept reading, just kept researching, just kept plowing ahead, and just plain kept on moving forward that I would get to our mental family portrait.  Ah, I guess I keep on learning.

Infertility doesn’t care how hard I work.  Or what plans A-Y were.  Or what plan Z is.

I know, I know.  Maybe it will work.  I wouldn’t be signing up for Plan Z if there wasn’t a chance.  But the reality in black and white is that it has a better chance of failing than succeeding.

It doesn’t matter if it works or not.  No letters follow Z.

I know our whole alphabet.  And even though I’ve learned it, I won’t be singing it again.

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~ by Larisa on June 20, 2010.

6 Responses to “plan z”

  1. I’m sorry you are at the end of your alphabet. I so hope that plan z has a good outcome.

  2. You’ve read enough, researched enough, DONE enough that you could have the initials M.D. after your name. I will hope with all my heart that Plan Z works.

  3. I hate that you are on plan Z. I hope like crazy that it works. Plan away…and hope!

  4. I, too, hate that you’re on plan Z.

    xoxo

  5. this is the lurker that usually leaves lottery #s. I feel like all the women in China, only allowed 1 child. I’m so praying for us both to not turn Chinese. Plan Z should work!

    P

  6. If only return on investment were a notion that worked in ART. I’m a planner too, and the backup plans left to me have become more and more unlikely. Perhaps it would be better to admit that I’m nearing the end of the alphabet too, in stead of pretending I’m still only at M.

    That said, I’m hoping for you.

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