For five, maybe even six years, I’ve lived life like there’s something wrong with me.  I’ve taken medications.  I’ve had surgeries.  I’ve followed dietary restrictions.  I stopped running.  I spent a few days in the hospital.  I’ve grieved the loss of “normal” conception.  I’ve grieved the loss of embryos.  Of due dates come and gone and still in the future.  People have comforted me, pitied me, been glad my story isn’t theirs, and played the pain olympics.  They’ve tiptoed around me, asked if I’ve thought of ____, watched me cry, listened to me bitch, and watched me prevail once.

I’ve been angry, resentful, happy, sad, scared, and everything in between.  I’ve read dozens of journal articles and hundreds of abstracts.

My marriage has suffered, my relationships with friends have changed, and I have an entirely different and more educated view of medicine as art vs. science.

Infertility is a disease.  But I’m tired of being sick.

I want to live my life as me, not as a patient.

I’m drinking caffeine and alcohol, running, eating what I want (hello chocolate), and I don’t have a single doctor’s appointment scheduled.

I will apparently always be infertile, and I’ll always carry some scars and baggage.  But I don’t have to live today as a patient, a person who has a disease.

I can be me.

~ by Larisa on June 27, 2010.

11 Responses to “sick”

  1. It is hard to break free from it, but it is nice to feel a bit liberated again. I’m glad you’re getting to do so.

  2. That was just amazingly written.

  3. Thank you – you put thoughts to the words in my head.

  4. Those are exactly some of the reasons why I don’t want to do any more cycles for a sibling. I’m tired of being a patient. I just don’t know if, for me and for my son, that is reason enough.

  5. I feel it too.
    I’m not done pursuing motherhood but I’m done with me being the one in the stirrups.
    Wanna go for a run? 🙂

  6. Hey me too! Wine, chocolate and all things yummy are my friends. Prenatals, shots, doctors – all gone byebyes.

  7. For me personally? I have one, maybe two FETs in me before I’m done.

    Because I have too much going on to be sick.

    You GO, girl. Take back your life.


  8. Such a difficult and freeing thing to experience all at once. Praying you will find you again and begin to heal on all levels.

  9. Well written. It’s good to just be. Nothing but just yourself.

  10. OMG – AMEN. I feel exactly. the. same. way.

  11. It’s good to hear you feel liberated.
    I can imagine it, but am not there yet.

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