just thinking aloud

You know, I think every single day about how I’m one of the lucky ones.  I arrived.  I have a daughter.

But there’s something that still stings about how hard I’ve had to work.  Something so bitter in the fact that the last memory of pregnancy for me is lying on a bed in a hospital going into shock in front of my husband and child.  Something mind-numbing in the number of procedures, appointments, shots, medications – sometimes I even forget how hard I’ve worked.

And, quite honestly, there’s some sting when I hear about women who had to do IVF who got pregnant spontaneously after.  Or if it “just” took one cycle for their second.  Or third.  I’m not talking pain olympics here – I try very hard not to compare – it’s all different.  Days that are hard for me aren’t for others; days that are carefree for me aren’t for others.

I’m coming to peace with this.  Sort of.  It’s not easy, though.  So so so lucky.

And so unlucky at the same time.

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~ by Larisa on July 11, 2010.

8 Responses to “just thinking aloud”

  1. I get it. I hope it gets easier with time, but honestly I doubt the sting will ever completely go away. Maybe if we are ever grandmothers the sting will be gone?

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  2. I feel so lucky to have Adam because I was so unlucky in the process to get him (and our one try after him.) So yeah, I get the lucky/unlucky thing very much.

    I think I’m trying to gain acceptance of all of the shit that went along with the treatment days, life threatening experience and all. Mostly, though, I think I’m just distracting myself enough so that I don’t have to think about it. At least for right now, I’d rather chase around my miracle 3 year old than truly process everything I went through. Maybe one day.

  3. Me too – so lucky, so unlucky all at once.

    Peace is hard to find.

  4. Exactly! I’m so lucky, yet I’m not at all resigned to not being able to have another. Not by a long shot. I think it will take me a long while.

  5. I could have written your exact words. Peace still hasnt found me…I hope we both get there.

  6. I feel the exact same way. It’s hard for me to be happy for my friends when they tell me they are pregnant, especially if it was a surprise.

  7. I just read your last 5-6 posts. My reaction was, “Go (Mrs H)!”; just felt like cheering for you. Yeah, sometimes I’m one of the friends who pities, and sometimes a friend that is glad it’s not me. Never one who can compete in your pain Olympics. Reading your posts tonight just made me feel positive for you, just the way you are processing everything. Positive for you, not saying I’m happy for you in all ways, obviously–although when it comes to Baby H and the way you described her–what a daughter!

    Knowing what you’ve gone through has made me a better person, though. I can’t say I’ve never been insensitive in some unintentional way to those dealing with IF, but your blog helps me be sensitive to those with IF. Being a mom is an awesome blessing, and like anything, if it comes too easily, you tend to take it for granted or even (gasp) complain about it.

    Hoping your Z plan is successful. It was hard to read the post with all the legal ramifications. Just so crazy, all those hoops. I can only imagine how tired in the head and soul you are of dealing with the legal and financial aspects of this. Thinking of you.

  8. Right there with you, my sister.

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