Yes, I will post the recipe.  It’s a compilation of recipes, really.  They aren’t hard to make, but there are more steps than “normal”.  I’ve been doing a lot of cupcake baking lately – it’s been fun.

But I’m really here to write something else.  You know, I’m thisclose to being done with infertility treatment.  In reality, *I* am done; someone else is receiving treatment in my place.  We’ll have a lining check late this week, and I’m just hoping for smooth at this point.  Ok, so maybe I’m hoping for perfect.  I have a lot of conflicting emotions – some of this is so stressful, I want to throw up my hands.  Some of it is very odd – I’m no longer “the patient of record”, so I literally and figuratively am at arm’s length from this cycle.  It’s just how it is.  But I really am tired, no matter how much I want a sibling, another chance at babyhood, of doing this.  I really never thought I’d hit the proverbial wall that I’ve hit.  But I have.  So here I am, nearly done.  I want this to work, but I can also see a light at the end of this tunnel.  I used to be scared of that light because it meant the end of possibility.  I’m inching slowly towards embracing certainty about not having more children.  It will be okay.  Not ideal, but okay.

My other whine of the week – “long and exhausting”.  I know, I know, I know, I try, I try, I try not to compare.  To play that awful pain olympics.  But every once in awhile, something gets to me.  And I internally wince or even sneer.

There is always someone’s story that is worse than mine, worse than yours, worse than you can imagine.  Always.  So I cringe for me and others when I see someone write about how “long and exhausting” their battle with infertility was.  You know, the single IVF cycle that yields twins and frozen embryos.  If I’d gotten pregnant with twins after my first IVF cycle, I would have been done 4+ years ago.  I probably would have thought it was awful and that I was a light for everyone else, but sitting on this side of it, all it does is show me how infertile I am.

~ by Larisa on August 9, 2010.

4 Responses to “etc.”

  1. Glad you’re feeling some sense of resolution. “Resolution”–I think that means a state of having things resolved. I can tell from what you’ve written that the feeling has some merits but will also carry some grief as well. I just realized the IF organization is called RESOLVE, and now it’s got me wondering why–beyond an acronym? Maybe the word I should have used is “resignation”, and maybe you feel a little bit of both. Stories end with a resolution, and I know how you’d like this story to end. So, I think you have every right to hope for perfect. I’m hoping, too.

  2. I’m still scared of that light, yet it’s alluring too. Not that I’ve given up hoping for you, hoping for a fabulous detour on this last leg.

    And with the pain olympics, you’re not alone. Honestly.

  3. That light at the end of the tunnel–I know it’s a weird but strangely liberating place to be. I hope beyond hope that this yields the second chance at babydom, the sibling, the completion of your family the way you want it (well, you know what I mean) but more than anything, I want you to be happy and feel some peace and some release from this torture.

    I’m with you on the pain olympics too, sister.

  4. I SOOOO get you on this! I know the feeling and its good to know that I am not alone when I do get that cringe….

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