blah, blah, blah

Honestly, I feel trapped.  There’s the “I don’t want to do this anymore” wall in front.  And there’s the two embryos languishing wall behind me.  And briar patches of doubt all around.  I’ve really started planning like BabyHope is our first and last.  Our only.  And, believe it or not, there’s relief if we can ever finish.  Sadness and relief in one breath.  It’s so hard to put into words.

We went to Disneyland.  Mr. Hope has been traveling for work too much constantly frequently, and we decided to join him.  The 70 degree temperatures in Santa Monica were a welcome respite from August in Texas.  We’re plotting to see if there’s some way we can just spend all of August there next year.  Probably won’t happen, but I can dream.  BabyHope loved Disney.  She discovered princesses and fairies.  And she adored the teacups and the carousel.  And the fireworks.  She has slept with her Tinkerbell doll every night since.

If I can’t have regular babies, I can have kitten babies.  We fostered some 3-4 month old kittens for about a month.  They did great, and since they were healthy, it was time for them to move to a cattery.  Well, I’m on this email list, and I get these sad, sad emails about adorable animals.  So now we have (Mr. Hope is out of town, so he doesn’t know yet) two tiny, tiny 2 week old bottle baby kittens.  Pandora and Persephone.  It’s going to be hard work, but I like taking care of them.

I’m working on doing some work.  You know, the paying kind.  I am still a speech-language pathologist, after all.  BabyHope has started a preschool program twice per week, and though thus far the time flies, I think I could work a few hours during that time and maybe at least pay for her school.

~ by Larisa on September 1, 2010.

6 Responses to “blah, blah, blah”

  1. I understand what you mean about feeling trapped. When we thought the end of our frozens were the end of our quest for a sibling, I realized that although I was sad, I also felt a kind of freedom. And now that we have one more chance with our donor for a genetic sibling…well, I feel conflicted. In a lot of ways I wish we didn’t still have that choice and I could just move one. But, I do have that choice and we feel like we have to do it so we have no regrets, but that means going back on the IF roller coaster.

    I wish I had some wise words for you. Instead, I only have a “I hear ya, sister.”

  2. Ugh, it’s so hard to get CLOSURE. I can totally understand the feeling of being trapped, too. I’d feel the same if I were you, and the mix of sadness and relief… well, I can totally understand.

    In the meantime, there’s the keeping busy part. The kittens sound cute. And good luck finding something for work – I’d SO love to work part time, but unfortunately right now that’s not in the cards.


  3. Hubby and I foster, too! In the last year and a half of IF treatments, we fostered 40 cats and 2 dogs (not all at once :). Most rewarding thing I’ve done to keep me busy through all the treatments.

  4. Oh, the kitten things sounds good, but how do you say goodbye to them? I’m afraid I would get too attached and want to keep them.

    It sucks to be trapped. There is relief in knowing you’ve reached the end. It’s hard, but it’s a different hard than being in the thick of still trying. Honestly, there are some days that I wish that I still had options, but there are others when I can accept that I do not. That acceptance (however fleeting it might be at any given time) does allow me to focus on the upside of having an only and plan for the future accordingly.

  5. I’m sorry you feel so trapped right now…I hate being in limbo myself so I can only imagine how you are feeling.

  6. I can only imagine what pros and cons are going through your mind right now. Letting it go is hard, very hard.

    Wow, 2 week old kittens. That’s intense, I’m sure. It does sound like a good distraction though.

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