at least I won’t bleed to death

That’s the upside.

The upside to the absence of even a shadow of a line.  The upside to the absence of even a shadow of a symptom.

I will never be pregnant again.  I will never name a baby again.  I will never marvel at firsts or lament newborn sleeplessness again.

BabyHope will never have a sibling.

Ah, you will say, what about adoption?  What about donor eggs? What about surrogacy?

No, I say.  There is nothing left.  We were lucky once.  We should have stopped while we were “ahead”.  I knew at the beginning of this cycle that it was probably not going to work.  But the “plush” lining and the beautiful blasts had me believing that we had a decent shot.

10 transfers.  5 fresh, 5 frozen.  19 embryos.  4 pregnancies.  1 live birth.  They are words on a screen that don’t begin to convey the sacrifice and hope that each and every cycle meant.  The joy of the one success.  The complete, heart-crushing defeat of all the failures.

If I could will it to be, it would have been.  We would have had 3 or 4 babies by now.

My will is not enough. My hope is not enough.

~ by Larisa on November 10, 2010.

15 Responses to “at least I won’t bleed to death”

  1. Oh, hon. I’m so sorry. Much, much love to you.


  2. I’m so so sorry. No other words would ease your pain. Hugs!

  3. I wish I could say something magical to fix this. I’m so, so effing sorry.

  4. Oh, L! I’m so, so sorry! I had been hoping and praying that this was going to work. I’m just so incredibly sorry.
    Much Love,
    Jen H. (in CO)

  5. I wish I had more comforting words. I am so very sorry–holding you very close in my thoughts.

  6. I was wondering earlier today whether you’d know already. I hoped it would be good news. I’m so, so sorry that it’s not.

    You, and only you, decide where to draw the line.

    In hindsight, you might wish you’d drawn the line sooner. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. You know that, even if you don’t feel it right now.

    The joy doesn’t cancel out the heartbreak of the failures. It just doesn’t.

    I wish I could come over with some comfort food right now. Or a good bottle of wine.

  7. I am so, so sorry.

  8. My cycle failed as well. Thinking of you and I both today.

  9. I am so sorry.

  10. I’ve been think about you alot. Hug!

  11. I am so sorry. I was thinking of you today. My heart is heavy for you. The heart wants what the heart wants.

  12. I’m so, so sorry my friend!!! There are no words to say how much I was hoping this for you! Hang in there! I’ll be in touch soon!

  13. I am so sorry!

  14. Oh sweetie…

  15. Sorry :0(

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