constant craving

So I know how to diet.  How to exercise.  How to control. Not that I’ve been doing it lately, mind you.  But I can, and I will.  I can run, I can reach a goal, and I can will my body to do things.

My heart?  My mind?

I don’t know.  I need a diet for the soul, for the yearning.  A diet for the mind that races to find a solution to the problem.  This isn’t as simple as not eating that piece of cake or running that extra mile.

This is life.  The part of life that always matters more than all that other stuff.  Family.

So I plan other things.  Exercise plans.  Vacation plans.  Baking plans.  Birthday plans.  Plans that actually work out more than 10% of the time.  Things I can control.

But how do I stop, even in the midst of the planning, craving another baby?  I can’t cut my portion in half and be satisfied.  The craving, the yearning remains.

A diet for my baby-hungry arms.  Soul.  Heart.  It doesn’t exist. Perhaps time will smooth the wounds.  But I will always have wanted.

 

I’m going to respectfully request that this not become anything about religion or faith.  That’s not what this is about, either.

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~ by Larisa on November 11, 2010.

9 Responses to “constant craving”

  1. I wish I had some answers for you…

  2. Aww, Mrs. Hope. I ache for you.
    You’ve been on the baby diet since you started wishing for a family, it seems. A diet to cure the diet? You’ll starve, I’m afraid. I want to think you’ll find what fills you eventually, maybe not as you define it now, but I do wish that somehow you’ll arrive quenched and satiated. It didn’t happen, like we all wished it, but you’ll find your peace, won’t you? I’m holding your hope that you will.

  3. I think you’re right about time smoothing over the wounds. But, I think smoothing over wounds like this will take lots of time. In the meantime, allow yourself to grieve, to feel, to get angry, whatever feelings you need to feel.

  4. If I had answers for you I’d have answers for me. I’m so sorry this lastchance cycle didn’t work for you, I’ve been there only so recently and it’s just awful. Terrible awful horribleness.

    I’m 6 months past the end of trying IVF for us and I still yearn and crave a baby. It doesn’t stop, maybe it won’t, I don’t know. I have made new plans, have steered myself into a new direction but I am secretly hoping that my new plans will be thwarted with a surprise miracle pregnancy/baby. Which is so very unlikely.

    Anyway, I hope time soothes us. It’s certainly been helpful in lessening the acute physical painfulness. As has kissing and cuddling my little guy. Which I do a lot.

    ((hugs))

  5. I don’t have answers. Time does heal wounds, but it takes a while. And I’m not certain this is something you ever *really* get over. You make peace with the life you have eventually, I have to think. It just takes a lot of time and healing

    Wishing you peace and fulfillment, in the hopes that you CAN find it.

    I wish you weren’t going through it. That’s all.

    xoxo

  6. Visiting from Mel’s roundup…

    I’m not sure infertility is something you ever “get over”. For me, it was a process of learning to be at peace with it. There are definitely many moments where I still long to experience pregnancy, but I’ve reached a place where that sadness is temporary, instead of all-consuming. I’m not sure there’s one path toward achieving that peace. I had to stop trying to cover-up my deep sadness and to give myself permission to grieve – not just for a 5 minute cryfest I’d allow myself in the shower, but for as long as I needed and w/o trying to hide it.

    I hope you find peace.

  7. I’m not good at dieting, nor at exercise. I’m good at being persistent at ART – which is no longer an advantage when it comes to drawing the line.

    If, like you, I will end up drawing the line without a sibling, then I expect I will feel a sense of regret for the rest of my life.
    Not at stopping treatments, but because of failing to have that second child. I expect it to hurt a lot in the beginning, and then to erode, ever so slowly. I expect time would erode the sharp edges off, but not make it go away.

    It’s only natural to want the craving to go away. NOW. I wish I could make it go away.

    Thinking of you.

  8. Time is the only thing that will change your feelings, and it will be subtle and you might not even notice it as it’s happening. And they’ll never go away, they’ll just change. But I can really understand the feeling of wanting resolution and if you can’t have resolution, then make the feelings go away, or replace them with something better… but I hate that it doesn’t work that way.

    Sending you hugs, and wishes for gradual peace, acceptance and fulfillment with what you have. Thinking of you often.

  9. Craving and yearning for what you so desperately want, but can’t have, SUCKS. And what’s worse is there’s no way around the pain; you have to walk through it. The craving and the yearning is not something I think one ever “gets over” but I do hope that at some point, time will bring you peace with the decisions that were made for you. But until then, you are certainly entitled to feel exactly how you feel, in the exact moment that you feel it. No apologies necessary.

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