there are days

There are seconds, minutes, hours, days where I know we are done.  We were extraordinarily lucky once, and the effort it would take to embark anew is too much.  Too much money.  Too much heartache.  Too much effort, worry, and never being satisfied.

There are seconds, minutes, hours, and days where I know we must continue.  I cannot give up, I don’t want to give up, I will find a way to make something work.  Because the other side of too much effort is not enough.  Will I regret not pursuing another baby?  You know, for the rest of my life?  Will I regret BabyHope never having the joys and trials of a sibling?

We don’t need a minivan.  We don’t need a different house.  We don’t need to save for yet another round of expensive, invasive treatment.

I would give all of those “don’t needs” up in an instant.  They don’t really matter.  I just try to make them important – as if “see – all the things we can do”.  None of that can hold a candle to feeling a baby kick or meeting ours for the first time.

So I busy myself.  Boot camp.  Running.  Activities for BabyHope.  So that maybe there will be more days where I know we are done, and fewer filled with doubts and longing.  Maybe.

~ by Larisa on November 22, 2010.

4 Responses to “there are days”

  1. I don’t know if I can get to that place of acceptance, either. We have two more tries on insurance. I just try to block it out of my mind, what if they don’t work? ‘Cause I just don’t know if I will ever be at peace with saying, “I’ve done enough.”

  2. Unfortunately, I think it will take all of this back and forth and some time to pass before you will know what is right for you and what you need to do so that you’ll have no regrets. And also unfortunately, I don’t think there is such a thing as done enough for us infertiles who struggle with whether our family is done or not. There is only done all I can do and all I need to do. But, even if I get a sibling for my son, I know I would never feel it is enough. There are children missing for us whether it’s through miscarriage or failed cycles.

  3. The decision is fresh, it’s good that you already have those times when you do feel it’s been enough.
    Even though you often still feel the urge to do more, with time it will become less pressing, I hope.

  4. There will be. At least there have for me. Yes, it’s still hard. I still wish. But the more time passes, the more I can accept.

    It will never be easy. I’m pretty sure of that. I miss the child that could have been. I wonder what things would have been like.

    I’m learning to live in the “what is” instead of the “what might have been” though. Like you, it’s not my first choice. Not by a long shot. But I’m really trying to move forward. Some days are better than others, but it does get better.

    I sold a house and bought a new one today. That was our backup plan. If our last shot had ended up giving us another child instead of a brush with death, things would be very different. That’s not how they played out, though. I can only make the best of what I have to work with. Some days that’s enough. Some days that’s not. But you know what? Some days that’s more than enough, and that’s how I know I’m ok.

    Your Baby Hope is my Adam. They are incredible, precious gifts. Yes, I would love another, but I can’t. I have to reconcile that somehow.

    Thinking of you as you make your way through the crappiness that is the now. Wishing good things for the future. Email me if you want to commiserate.

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