the false choice

Seriously, I change my mind daily.  Maybe hourly.

We literally do not have the money to do another fresh cycle right now, and there is no chance of Mr. Hope’s insurance suddenly covering IVF.  We could save, and save, and save some more, and I’m not sure that the money for a gestational carrier cycle via an agency would ever be possible.  Saving like that also requires sacrifices that maybe I’m no longer willing to make for a single chance.  I want to stay home with BabyHope, I want to go on vacations, I want to drink a cup of Starbucks once a week.  If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it doesn’t matter how fantastic the odds are, you can always end up on the other side.

But then I look at the pictures of tiny, perfect BabyHope – and how can I possibly give up?  How can I not want more of that?  I remember her kicking in my belly, I remember lying in bed feeling her move and knowing all was well.

Second opinions?  I’m fairly certain the big clinic in Colorado would suggest gestational carrier.  My doctor has already said it.  But then there’s this nagging feeling that there’s just something wrong with the frozen cycles for me – maybe a fresh would work, thinnish lining and all.  And then – I just picture all that blood in February – drenching blood that wouldn’t, couldn’t stop on it’s own.  How could I possibly even entertain doing something that risks that again?

Genetic testing?  But I don’t think a frozen cycle would work, so Day 5 testing is out.  Day 3 testing?  I worry about the impact on the embryos from the biopsy.  What if we’d known one of the embryos transferred in February was abnormal – maybe the disaster wouldn’t have happened.

How can I stop wanting another child?  If the want would go away, it would be easy to stand up, walk away, stop.  But it hasn’t gone away.  When will it?  Next year?  Five years?  Whenever I hit menopause?

Will I regret not attempting again?  Regret attempting again?  I don’t want to choose either poison pill.

~ by Larisa on December 3, 2010.

7 Responses to “the false choice”

  1. All I can say is same same. I wonder when/if it will stop too.

  2. Would it cost a lot to get a second opinion? Even if the big clinic in Colorado will tell you the same thing, maybe it will help you sort out what the best decision is for you and your family? And there is the chance that they may have an opinion about fresh transfers and thinnish linings. I don’t know if knowing any of that would help, but I do know what it’s like to be in a place when you are going back and forth about what to do and there are more questions than answers. And it has always been helpful to me just get some of those questions out of my head, even if the answers only confirm what I’ve been thinking already.

  3. Have you thought about IVF overseas?

  4. I wish I knew…I wish I could answer them for myself too–its a dull ache that just doesn’t want to go away. Sending you peace

  5. I’m doing the occasional lap in that circle – and I don’t like it one bit. Quit or continue, that is more and more the question for us.

    You’re allowed to regret not having a second child, for the rest of your life even. I’m going to allow myself that.
    I hope that it won’t hurt as sharply forever. Surely it can’t?

  6. I wish I had advice or SOMETHING that helps. I don’t – because at this point, there isn’t a GOOD choice, you know?

    Just hoping that you find a decision that gives you some peace, in time.


  7. You are in so many of our thoughts and prayers, L. I hate that you, Mr. Hope, and Baby Hope have to go through all of this. It just isn’t fair…at all! Much, much love!

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