no, really

I don’t think anyone believes me.  I don’t know if I believe myself.

But the reality is, this journey is over.  There is, quite literally, no money right now to fund any more IVF.  Granted, we could save, I could go back to work, we could find the money for a fresh cycle using my body.

Carrier via an agency?  I honestly can’t fathom that sum of money.  So I can’t begin to fathom spending that sum of money on a chance.

I haven’t canceled the follow-up that’s scheduled for next week.  I want to hear what my doctor will say.  I also want to be able to say goodbye.  Because I’m 99% sure it is goodbye.

I don’t think I’ll ever stop wanting another pregnancy, another infant, another toddler.  Ever.

But all that work for nothing?  I can’t bear it anymore.

I don’t have a crystal ball (obviously!), so sure, we can change our minds.  I’m young, devastatingly young in a way, so there’s an awful lot of reproductive time stretching into the future.  Somehow I have to stretch and fill it with something else.

I dream of being pregnant, of giving birth again, but I wake up to reality.  Which, really, isn’t so bad when it’s a wavy haired toddler telling me that she “woke up now”.

So we’re done.  Probably.  My heart just has an awful lot of catching up to do.

~ by Larisa on December 9, 2010.

4 Responses to “no, really”

  1. I am so sorry you are in this place. ((Hugs))

  2. I’m sorry finances are forcing you to stop treatment. I wish there were more options for you.

  3. I believe you. But I always feel like I’m being unsympathetic when I express it (or try to).
    It’s saddening, which makes it more natural to want to deny.

  4. This is a process, sweetie. It’s not about belief or not – it’s about coming to a place where you can accept that it’s true, that you’re done. Which may mean that it’s going to take you some time to believe it, yourself.

    We’re here for you, listening and offering virtual hugs and support as you grieve your way through this.

    I think of you all the time and wishing you peace.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: