2, 4, or 6

Man about to have his 4th: “2, 4, or 6…never have an odd number of children.  Someone always gets left out.”

My dentist: “Stopping at the one?  That’s probably better.”

A teacher and mother of 3 boys: “You got a girl.  I would have stopped if I’d gotten a girl.”

Another mother: “Just the one?  You didn’t want more?”

I just give a wry smile.  They don’t want to know the truth, and really, I don’t want to share.  What’s to say?  “I’ve done 10 IVF transfers and I got one baby” doesn’t even sound believable.  Or, I’m likely to get the, “Oh, I had to take Clomid for my third.  It made me crazy.”

There’s also an assumption that because we don’t have another, I’m not visibly pregnant, and BabyHope is over 3 that we must be done.  Barring the nearly imaginable miracle, I’m never really going to be done.  There’s done because you chose it, and there’s done but hoping that something (like my lousy uterus?) will change.

And really, why the heck is it their business?  They want to know the answer to why we have one, “just one”, but I know they don’t want a business card directing them to this blog and the sordid story.  That might shut them up, though.  Or maybe if I burst into tears every time someone asked.  Or maybe if I just said, “I’ve been pregnant 4 times”.  I haven’t come up with the right thing – the thing that makes it clear that we love our one, can’t have more, and the rest isn’t up for discussion.

2, 4, or 6.  I wish it was a choice.

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~ by Larisa on March 1, 2011.

8 Responses to “2, 4, or 6”

  1. “You didn’t want more?”

    That one made me cringe. And cry a little. Some people will never understand that “want” and “get to have” are two completely different things.

  2. People always sticking their noses in other people’s business just for the sake of small talk, eh? Sucks. I’m sorry that question seems to rub so much salt in your barely-had-time-to-start-healing wound.

    I have two and I get the “are you going to have another” question all the time as well. I know it’s not the same situation as yours, but it just goes to show that no matter how many kids you have, as long as you look somewhere around childbearing age people have the gall to ask. I throw around different answers all the time depending on my mood. I’m not going to give them the real answer and frankly, I guarantee they don’t want to sit down and hear the long version.

    In my first conversation with a co worker a while back she was asking about my kids so I asked if she had any. “One.” She said, with assertion, “Not the way we planned it, but that’s the way it turned out.” And everyone at that table just got quiet, nodded and moved on with a different subject. No questions asked. No weird comments thrown back. Her only son is 11. My guess is she has had that question sting her, too, and therefore beats everyone to the punch when they ask. I’m sure there are always those nimwits that push for more info, but her strategy worked that time, for sure.

  3. I’m sorry. I’m sorry people pry, that people blather about their options, and I’m sorry that there are people who get to say, in a blase way: one or two? two or three? three or four? etc. etc. etc. Those people will never understand an infertile’s heart nor will they ever truly understand the simplistic but miraculous beauty in their choice.

  4. Some people just don’t understand that desire is actually NOT correlated with reality for some people. Big assumptions to make, but for so many people want DOES equal reality. We wanted two kids, we got two. Etc.

    I am so sorry, hon. As always, thinking of you.

    xoxo

  5. “Harmless” words spoken by people in an attempt at small talk or trying to connect in some way. I’m sorry. I’ve heard some real doozies too. It still stabs my heart when I hear a person say, “He just has to look at me and I’m pregnant.” I’m sure I’ve said dumb things and hurt people unintentionally through the years(and I’ve suffered through infertility myself, for crying out loud). Sometimes we utter words without really thinking. Try and give grace whenever possible, but sometimes people do need to hear some truth to set ’em straight! 🙂

  6. People are clueless. Facebook is torture catching up with old friends. How do you explain to your best friend from elementary school (who has 5 kids and you have none) that you tried for so long and only had miscarriages. It really sucks.

  7. The few times I’ve hinted at having one was not a deliberate choice, I’ve been met only by silence. It doesn’t encourage me to say more.
    I don’t want to share the IVF stories with those that don’t know it firsthand either.

  8. *hugs*

    I have nothing helpful to say, I just wanted to let you know I’m here. *hugs*

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