I’m done. No, wait, I’m not. I am. Not.

It’s a process, this grief about not having another, not continuing the treatment path I know so well.  There are moments where I feel sure we are done.  Done putting ourselves through anymore optional grief through cycling, and complete as we’ll ever be as our family of three.

Moments later, however, I think about desperately asking every fertile woman I know if she’d consider being a gestational carrier for me.  Followed by thoughts of adoption.  Or cycling again with my uterus.  Or being done.  Again.

It’s a process.  It will take time.  I know these things, but there’s a part that yearns to know the future.  Which decision, if there’s even a decision to make, do I make?  Am I fulfilled and happy in that decision, or am I still plagued with pangs of regret 5, 10, 15 years down the road?

Inaction, which is essentially where I am, is a decision in and of itself.  Maybe it’s the right decision.  It’s too hard right now, today, to take a step in any direction.  So I’m sitting on the bench – and that doesn’t sound quite right, either.  Because sometimes, sitting on the bench at the park is better than running around the park – you see things sitting still you might not have noticed in motion.  The breeze, the curious bird, the sensation of a deep breath.

So that’s where I am.  Sitting still.  Thinking about moving, but unable or unwilling to do so.  Maybe ever.  You know, unless you have a fantastic uterus I could borrow for 10 months (I kid, I kid).  Trying my best (yet sometimes failing) to enjoy both the silence and the noise around me.

~ by Larisa on April 1, 2011.

5 Responses to “I’m done. No, wait, I’m not. I am. Not.”

  1. I think if I were to give up treatments, I think I’d have to do the same thing. Keep considering everything as an option, but not make any decisions. Because you’re right. Inaction? Is a decision.

    That said? I’d need to keep myself busy with other things. Marathon training. Vacations. New job, maybe new career. Because I have always had a hard time sitting with someone, quietly. I need to run, run RUN. *sigh*

    • I’m phrasing wrong – I’m sitting on the treatment bench only. Planning everything else in life, and trying (sometimes easier than others) to enjoy it. Half-marathons, vacations, possible work, school for BabyHope – planning all of this and letting the family building sit still. It’s inaction on one front, and action on others.

  2. Hm. It seems we’re in opposite situations in a way. Sitting still on the family building front is about the only option I’m not currently considering. Sometimes it crosses my mind that I should – but I’m always quick to dismiss it. Perhaps it’s because I haven’t lost faith in my uterus yet, though I have lost most hope for my own eggs. Asking someone to donate is one thing, asking someone to be a surrogate is quite another. If could adopt this very day, I think I would and never look back (ok, hardly ever). Unfortunately, that’s not very likely.
    It’s exhausting.

  3. I wish I could be your SC. I wish I could give you that baby you so wish/deserve to have. I wish you didn’t have to go down this road or sit on that bench. Life is so unfuckingfair at times it takes my breath away.

    I wish I had the words to comfort you. Just know you’re not alone. xo

  4. Here is my very short back story in list keeping blog form:

    What I struggle with in the way that I’m not dealing with the emotions of probably not being able to have another is what the heck do I do with that extra room in the house? One room for my daughter, one guest room, one game room, and one extra room that is just sitting there waiting. We use the dining room/living room as her playroom since it is downstairs. And it will probably be a few more years until most of her things are kept in her room. So what does that mean for the extra room?

    I’ve followed you since we were both pregnant at the same time, BabyHope was born a few weeks before Autumn, and when you started trying for your second it was way too early for me to start. You are processing everything much better than I am, I’m stuck in the abstract with at least one more chance left for sure. Not sure what is left after that one.

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