Everything.  Well, almost.

Not two of the tiny, tiny preemie bodysuits that were too big those first weeks.  Or the single preemie disposable diaper I have left that was also too big.  Or the little blue soothie pacifier that took up half her face.  Or the hat she came home in.

But the rest.  The pack n play.  The cloth diapers.  The toys, books, and bottles she’s outgrown.  The maternity clothes.

And the house.

I’d be lying if I said sorting through 3 years of clothes and marking them for sale was easy.  Or that I hadn’t shed a tear.  But it’s time.  There are no fertility treatments on the horizon.

I remember, vividly, walking in the door to this house, our home, with her for the first time.  It will be sad to say goodbye.

But I also remember the first day here, followed by the second day that is a blur because my brother died in that car accident.  And I remember lying on the bed sobbing after the first IVF cycle resulted in a roller coaster beta ride and ectopic.  And I remember sitting on the couch looking at the refrigerator but knowing I couldn’t make it to get that glass of water the nurse told me to drink as I started to hemorrhage, and choosing the bathroom instead.

I love this house.  I hate this house.

I love all the things we are selling.  I want, desperately, to be able to use them again.  To meet our baby again for the first time.  But, even more desperately, I never, ever want to fail another IVF cycle.  Or miscarry.  Or hemorrhage.  Or have whatever thing go wrong that I haven’t thought of.  I can’t do it again.

I thought I couldn’t sell this stuff.  But I can.

It’s another step down a different path.  And it will be okay.

~ by Larisa on May 20, 2011.

5 Responses to “selling”

  1. Heartbreaking and inspiring at the same time.

    I can’t do it yet – go through the baby stuff, the maternity stuff, the pumps and bottles and clothes and infant seat and sheets and blankets…

    But you give me hope. I will someday.

    In the meantime, abiding with you as you close one door and open the next.


  2. I am in the middle of giving away TK’s baby things to my cousin who just had boy/girl twins. It helps to know that these things will at least go to another baby in my extended family if it couldn’t go to another one in my immediate family.

    But, I am allowing myself to keep anything I just can’t let go. Both the things that I am giving away and the things I will be keeping make me wistful and teary. As you said…a different path, but it is one that is going to be ok.

  3. I see selling my hoard as a big milestone. I’m not ready yet, won’t be for a while, but often it crosses my mind that I ought to sell. I’ve started nibbling at the edges.

    The house, that’s a big change coming up.

  4. I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through, and that you have to go through this, too. 😦

  5. A poignant post. It will be okay. Getting to okay is the hard part.

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