it is

The choice I have is not the choice I want.  It just is.

It’s a choice to live in the present and the future – to live with what is and what will be instead of bemoaning what didn’t come to be.  I wanted the choice to have more.  Or not.  Instead, I have the choice to move on.  Or not.

Another mother asked me if I cry every day because I can’t have a second, a third, a fourth.

No.  I don’t.

I can’t have another baby.  I can’t.  I ache when I type those words.  I ache when I say them aloud.  And I do say them aloud when people ask, “Have you thought of having another?”  Of course we have.  We can’t.

 But I don’t cry about it.  I don’t wallow in it.  Sometimes I cringe, or ache, or sigh, or have a mini-pity party.  But it has to pass.  I have this life, this is my only shot, and I’m lucky enough to have one amazing little girl.  Lucky enough.  Lucky enough.  Enough.

I’ve said it before.  She is enough.  And that has to be enough.  Period.

It is.  It just is.  It’s not my fault.  I couldn’t have tried harder.  I couldn’t have tried more.  It just is.

I have to continue to stumble my way through this life.  I’ve learned enough to know that I don’t know it all, but not enough to think I’ll be able to cope with what’s next.

This chapter has to be over.  I have to let it go.  It’s not as simple as that.  I’m not going to wake up tomorrow healed.  I’ll wake up tomorrow and continue to choose to move one more day into the future.  That’s all I can do.

It is.  It just is.

~ by Larisa on November 21, 2011.

6 Responses to “it is”

  1. “The choice I have is not the choice I want. It just is.” So true.

    Too true.

    Every single word you have written I have felt but couldn’t quite put in words. Thank you for giving me words to these feelings.

  2. This is so beautifully written. I think I’m going to bookmark it.

  3. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

    Not for the first time do I wish that we lived closer. I’d love to go for coffee with you.


  4. It’s good that you’re able to give a straight answer to people who ask.
    Better than keeping it in.

    Cry every day? A bit of a dramatic way of putting it, no?

    Then again, it recognizes that letting go is so very, very hard.

  5. I really, really loved reading this post. For so long, I dreamed of a baby for you, but now, even more so, I dream of peace for you, however you can find it. This post tells me you are finding more of it, despite the unfulfilled wish for a bigger family. To press on, to hold tight to the silver lining and move forward with acceptance but without giving up will give you all that much more of an examinsight to guide and support your daughter

    • …through life.
      Oops! Hit done on accident. Anyhow, I’m really glad you are in this place right now. It’s hopeful in a different way, isn’t it?

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